THIS IS DIFFERENT HOW?

Republicans throughout Congress want it understood that the only reason we're not going to get affordable healthcare, lower drug prices, rebuilt infrastructure, higher wages and a whole slate of legislative Xmas gifts is entirely the fault of the Dems and their focus on impeaching Donald Trump. "We were all set to really go to work on healthcare, and education, and infrastructure, everything everybody wants until the Democrats shifted their focus off these issues to obsess on impeachment. You could've had healthcare reform by year's end if not for the Dems hatred of this President. Now you'll get nothing. What a shame but it's clear who's at fault. " said Senator (R)Jord Jimlan.

We're not working with you and 

you can't make us!

When it was pointed out that none of these issues were on the Republican agenda prior to the impeachment proceedings, Senator Jimlan replied, "We were right at the point of adding them when this Whistleblower nonsense broke and the Dems went nuts. Now all they want to do is impeach, impeach, impeach and nothing else so it's entirely their fault."

Although Progressives have continued to propose this sort of legislation during the impeachment inquiry, the Republicans have refused to consider any of it and instead have vowed to do nothing and simply allow all Democratic legislation die in the Senate as long as the impeachment continues.

In other words, nothing has changed but now there's an impeachment inquiry going on.

We'll take that and call it a win.

GOP SENATOR: TRUMP'S CORRUPTION IS OBAMA'S FAULT

Mired in the scandal of President Trump's Ukraine phonecall and the impeachment inquiry resulting from it, one Repub Senator wants it understood that Trump is merely a victim in this and that the real blame belongs to former President Barack Obama.

Democrat Corruption Virus?

"This whole thing is a Dem conspiracy to lay the blame for Obama's corruption at the feet of an innocent President Trump. I'm outraged by these brazen machinations to smear our President with the malfeasance of the previous administration!" said one Republican Senator who wished to remain anonymous but whose name may or may not rhyme with Tinsley Braham.

When asked to explain how former President Obama is responsible for a crime committed by current President Trump, the GOP Senator stated, "Look, it's obvious. Obama was the most corrupt and deceitful man ever to sit in the Oval Office so, of course, the molecules and  microbes of his corruption were left behind to infect the White House and whoever followed him." Anybody can see that."

Equating corruption to a communicable disease is medically questionable at best but the anonymous Senator is insistent. He's also not alone. Several other Repubs have gone on record in agreement with this theory claiming that political corruption is like catching a cold and Trump caught Obama's cold. "What we should've done was disinfect the Oval Office after Obama left but we worried about the optics of that so we didn't and now we're paying the price for that decision."

Another Republican added, "Hillary's also to blame in some way." 

Sure. Why not? Hey, anybody but Trump.

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WHITE HOUSE PHONE PANIC RESPONSE TEAM

In the wake of the Whisrleblower scandal  White House officials have put together an emergency Presidential telephone response squad known as the White House Phone Panic Response Team or the WHOPPR Team. Now, whenever Trump makes or receives a call, a TelAlert is sounded and the team springs into action to surround the President and try to steer any conversation he's having back into safe territory if, or rather, when it goes off track.

There are three stages of TelAlert based on what kind of call is taking place. TelAlert 3 is the default and applies to calls to/from friends or family. This includes calls from Sean Hannity and Fox News in general.

TelAlert 2 applies to any calls to/from a domestic leader, any leader from any state or US commonwealth. This is an elevated alert condition but does not automatically trigger an emergency response although it can be upgraded if necessary if the President is speaking to Rudy Giuliani or William Barr.

TelAlert 1 is the automatic emergency condition and includes any calls to/from any foreign leaders with special emphasis placed on any calls to/from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mohammed bin Salman or, as of this week, the Ukraine

The team is authorized to use various levels of restraint on the President based on which

TelAlert status is in effect. These restraints run a wide range and can be as simple as a gentle nudge to more coercive moves like the "Tackle & Take" where the President is pulled to the ground and the phone is seized by a team member who tells the party on the other end that they've reached a wrong number and is then hung up. This response would've been especially useful during the President's call to Volodymyr Zelensky on Juy 25th.

WHOPPR Team members are primarily long serving military personnel who've been selected based on previous combat experience then augmented with special training in telephone intercessory techniques.

PREMATURE REDECORATION

In a decidedly premature display of naked anticipation, vice president Mike Pence was seen measuring the Oval Office for new drapes and adding a few other personal touches. He 's hung a large crucifix just over and behind the president's chair and placed a framed picture of his wife, Karen, on the desk.

Dear Lord, I really want to be president!

Asked if he didn't think he was jumping the gun just a bit, Pence stated, "I have no doubt in my mind that president Trump will be exonerated on all of these spurious charges. The Dem witch hunt to impeach this president will fail and the Lord's justice will prevail."

Asked why then did he seem to be redecorating the office with his personal things, Pence reassured us that he was simply carrying out the president's wishes. "The president has asked me to personalize the office with more  of my things to foster a greater relationship of mutual respect and cooperation."

At this point, Trump walked into the office and angrily ordered Pence to "Take all this shit down, now!"

Pence did so and placed his box of things in a corner of his office muttering to himself, "Soon."

RECIPE FOR IMPEACHMENT PIE

Ingredients:

 - 2/3 cup of sugar

 - 1/3 cup all-purpose flour

 - 1/4 teaspn ground cinnamon

 - 5 cups fresh impeaches 

  - 1 teaspn lemon juice

 - 1 deep dish pie crust

 - 1 or more violations of the Constitution and/or serious ethics violations

 - Total disregard for one's Oath of Office

 - 1 Donald Trump

Steps:

 - Pre-heat Congress to 400 dgs

 - Mix sugar, flour, and cinnamon together in a large mixing bowl then add in fresh sliced impeaches and lemon juice into crust. Add in Constitutional and ethics violations along with Donald Trump and the disregard for his Oath of Office. Crimp edges of crust. Place pie in the heat of a Democratic inquiry until top is golden brown then let stand until vote is taken and pie is good and done. 

 - Remove pie from office and serve to America and the world.

TECH TALK: MINDREADING -- THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

In this digital age new apps are released every day and most of them are useless or useful only to a target market but there are some apps that are useful to everyone no matter their age, race, gender, ethnicity or geographic location.

ThoughtSpy logo ©Punchkinsoft

One such app is nearing release. It's called ThoughtSpy -- the mindreading app.

Not possible! you're probably thinking but the truth is that this technology has been in development for years. It works this way: thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain, so once installed, you point your phone at the subject and this app reads those impulses and displays them as text on the screen of your smart phone. The result: you can read onscreen what that person is thinking.

The personal and commercial possibilities are endless. Think about all the uncertainty you could resolve. Wonder what a girl or guy really thinks about you; now you can know before you ask them out. Rejection can be a thing of the past. Sales professionals could determine which clients are most likely to close a sale. Liars and cheats are busted before they can even finish lying to you or trying to cheat you. We can finally know what people are really thinking and what their intentions really are.

This is not necessarily a good thing especially in the wrong hands and Punchkinsoft, the maker of the app, acknowledge the potential for chaos this app could bring but dismissed these concerns with their reply, "Do you know how much money we're gonna make?"

Well, then that's all that matters.

TRUMP LEGALIZES LYING BUT ONLY FOR HIMSELF

Tired of his integrity being questioned, President Trump has signed a new Executive Order  whic allows the president's version of any incident, event, ot report to supersede any other version thereby ostensibly making the truth whatever he says it is.

Look mommy, I wroted my name!

"The president has better things to do than argue with the fake news media over every little word that comes out of his mouth." said Kellyanne Conjob.  "So to obviate this issue, the president has granted himself the authority to define the truth as he sees fit. As president, it's his right to do so."

"Nobody knows better than I do about stuff." Trump said. "My brain is huge and I know best so the next person who says I'm lying about anything is breaking the law."

Uhhh, no comment.

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HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 1: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

Phone themed action for Tom.

Tom Cruise has been cast as the lead in a new big budget feature from Universal. The film is titled Call Waiting and features the Cruise missile as Frank Gage, the best customer service agent working at a digital cable company in Buffalo, NY. Gage provides top-notch customer care to the subscribers of his company's service until a call from a suicidal customer leads to tension and drama as Gage must talk the customer out of killing herself while also upselling her on a new sports package the company is promoting. Dakota Johnson plays an assistant manager much too young to find him attractive but does so anyway. The film is set for release in the Summer of 2021.

-------------------------

In more questionable casting news, Scarlett Johansson has signed on to portray...Joe Montana??

Good luck making this a man.

It's true, the Marvel master assassin who looks amazing kicking butt in skin-tight black leather will trade her dominatrix fashions for a football uniform to play the legendary quarterback in the biopic, Joe Cool for Monument Pictures. "I'm an actor. It's my job to play roles that are not myself." she explained. "I refuse to limit myself based on gender. " We get it, Scarlett, bu, c'mon, Harrison Ford isn't signing up to play Mother Teresa anytime soon. We're thinking this may not be the best idea.

We'll know is the Spring of 2022 when the film is scheduled for release.

-------------------------

This guy sucks!

German film director, and I use that term very loosely, Uwe Boll, is in active development on his next project; a film version of Adolph Hitler's 1925 autobiographical manifesto, Mein Kampf -- the book on which the Nazi Party was founded.

It would take a schlockmeister like Boll to see cinematic potential in a book that featured the lunatic rambling of a diseased mind. "I think people need this film. I'll add stuff like boobs and explosions to make it more commercial and put asses in seats." Boll assured those unconvinced of the wisdom behind this project. Does anyone really need this film? Of course the same could be asked of everything Boll has ever made.

-------------------------

Adam Sandler is making another piece of shit that co-stars his friends that can't get work from anyone else and features a script with a lot of fart jokes and a plot that doesn't matter in the least. The movie is scheduled for release whenever. Seriously, who cares?

We're not even gonna bother with a picture.

-------------------------

Can Piggy shed her Muppet image?

Miss Piggy has fired her old agency -- CAA -- and signed with a new agency -- Global Puppets Intl. -- that want to get behind her career goal to move away from The Muppets and branch out into more romantic and dramatic roles. She's currently the frontrunner for the female lead in a remake of the Shakespeare classic, Othello opposite Denzel Washington. "We taking gamble if casting her in non-muppet, non-comical, non-pig role but we believe in her talent and she committed to renewing her career in movies that are big and dramatic." said the film's producer, Cookie Monster, himself branching into his new career as a producer. "Me like Piggy. She smell like cooookies!" 

That may be but can she make a convincing Desdemona? Time will tell.

-------------------------

Sylvester Stallone just won't stop making Rocky/Rambo movies despite the fact that there's no more story to tell about either of these 80s icons. It's jut gotten sad now. Someone please tell him there's such a thing as enough already.

You're 73 now, Sly, what's next: Rocky gets a colostomy, Rambo breaks a hip?

Be done!

-------------------------

Rare photo of Weinstein with 

his penis still in his pants. 

It had to happen sooner or later, a 6-part TV miniseries is in development based on the glittering career and spectacular fall of movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein. An award winning producer, Weinstein had a habit of showing his penis to any woman he saw whether she asked for it or not and most of them didn't. He was fired by his own company in 2017 and subsequently arrested on charges of assault and rape after 80 women complained they had been attacked by the predatory appendage.

So, of course, a story this salacious demands a movie and we're gonna get one in 6 parts no less. The CBS event is scheduled for next Fall and stars John Goodman in the role of Weinstein. Goodman has lost a lot of weight over the last few years and has been asked to gain back 60lbs for the role of the rotund pervert. "It took me 40 years to lose this weight and now I have to put a third of it back on. I wouldn't do this if they weren't paying me a shitload." Goodman said.

The real Harvey Weinstein is currently out on bail and is struggling in his new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.

EXPERT: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITHIN 3 YEARS!

Y'know how people joke about a zombie apocalypse? Well, it turns out it ain't no joke; there's an actual zombie apocalypse predicted to detonate within just three short years. That's according to Dr. Puggy Skeets, Research Director for the Institute of Undead Activity.

Zombies in synchronized attack down 
Central Ave. in upstate NY

"They're coming. There will be no place to hide from all these dead motherf**kers. They're coming for our brains and the brains of our children and they will not stop until they've consumed us all."

Dr. Skeets claims that increased evidence of pre-zombie activity is at the core of his prediction. This pre-zombie evidence includes such indicators as resurrection ceremonies practiced worldwide and prayers for lost souls gone wrong.

"The indicators are there. They can't be denied. If we don't start preparing now it'll be too late before we know it."

Asked if he was being an alarmist, Dr. Skeets said, "Don't you get it, they're freakin' zombies. Zombies! If we aren't going to be alarmed by zombies, what are we going to get alarmed over?"

Dr.  Skeets suggests taking the precautionary steps of arming ourselves and shooting  anyone that threatens us with attack.. "If your own mother lunges at you with blood all over her face and bits of flesh between her teeth, shoot the bitch."

If there is a zombie apocalypse approaching, that would be bad but do we really want to take our cue from someone with a name like Puggy Skeets who's already seeing these zombies everywhere and is advising you to shoot your mother?

STANDARDIZED PESIDENTIAL LETTER OF CONDOLENCE

The president is a busy man and, as such, can't be expected to compose a personalized letter of condolence for every notable death that makes the headlines. To address this, a standard letter of condolence has been drafted that will be tweeted as called for.

--------------------------

From the Desk of President Donald J. Trump

I'm saddened to hear that (NAME) has died. (NAME) was a good person but could've been nicer to me. (NAME) spent his/her career doing good work as a (OCCUPATION) without peer but would it have killed him/her to pay me a compliment or two along the way?

While death is sad and painful we must always remember that it's all part of God's great plan and (NAME) will now enjoy an eternity in Heaven. Unless (NAME) was an atheist and is burning in Hell. I would've prayed for their soul had (NAME) treated me with greater respect in life.

DOES JESUS NEED TO DIE FOR OUR SINS AGAIN?

Hear me out. If we all have to renew our vehicle registration every year and replace our credit card every few years, if nothing anyone does once applies forever  then shouldn't Jesus have to die for the sins of Man every 100 years or so? Once enough time has passed that the people whose sins he previously died for have all died out and been replaced with a global population of people whose sins he hasn't died for yet, shouldn't it be time to pull out the crucifix and get the job done again? 

Otherwise we shouldn't have to renew all the same shit over and over every year or every few years. I'm calling shenanigans on this 'one and done' exception that only applies to Jesus.

HERE CUM THE JUDGE

Another woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh of inappropriate sexual conduct from his college freshman days at Yale. This, along with several other allegations that came out during Kavanaugh's confirmation hearing in 2018, has alarmed the other Justices with whom he  shares the bench who now feel a bit uncomfortable with their newest colleague. "No one is saying he's guilty, that hasn't been established, but in light of the way these allegations keep popping up like a game of whack-a-mole, we feel that some proactive steps should be taken to protect the three female Justices in case Justice Kavanaugh's eye starts to wander in their direction." said a Justice who wished to remain anonymous.

These steps include unarmed bodyguards to stand behind each of the female Justices to intercede if necessary while each of the lady Justices will also be fit with a personal body alarm that they can set off with the push of a button, as well as a keychain can of mace.

"These precautions are in the best interests of these women although we are hopeful that they will not be needed. We trust Justice Kavanaugh will keep it in his pants. Well, we're hopeful anyway."

Justice Kavanaugh had locked himself in an executive restroom and could not be reached for comment.

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TOAST OF THE GODS

Something I've noticed for years are the sad and pathetic events that pass for miracles now. Reading through the bible one can't help but notice the scale of the miracles credited to God. You've got global floods, parting seas, cities razed to the ground, plagues on demand, the whole wrath of God concept is played out to maximum effect, that effect being to awe and humble mankind in the face of God's might.

God (and his posse) making stuff

What passes for a miracle these days: the image of Jesus on toast, or on a taco, or in the markings on the side of a cow, or your team winning the big game, or just some trivial personal triumph or random stroke of luck. There is a precipitous decline in the quality of God's work here.

So what happened?

What changed God from those loud, highly extroverted displays of power to something as lame as the suggestion of his kid's face on a pancake? In these wicked times one would think God would be even more pissed off at his creation for having continued to fall from grace in the same way ancient Man had. Clearly nothing was learned and mankind is as sinful and wicked as it's ever been yet God remains uncharacteristically silent.

Too silent.

One doesn't go from being the earth shaking, fire raising, water parting, plague throwing, first-born taking omnipotent madman from on high in the bible to the toast burning, bowl game winning, $50 lottery ticket buying klunker we have now. You'd have to be medicated on a Thorazine drip to mellow out that much, particularly if you wield infinite cosmic power. There can only be one reasonable explanation; none of it actually happened.

No God at all is a reasonable conclusion to draw from the overwhelming lack of activity over the last two thousand years. But Cranky's a reasonable guy so I'll give God a fair chance based on the revised terms of his miracles. If God is real, all he has to do to convince me is to burn the image of ANYONE onto my next batch of toast.

Anyone at all: Katie Couric, Bruno Mars, Al Roker, Lady GaGa, The Bee Gees, Al Pacino, Terry Bradshaw, Charles Dickens, Roberta Flack, Chelsea Handler, Queen Victoria, the L.A. Lakers, that little woman who played the psychic in Poltergeist, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, Michelangelo, Emperor Hadrian, Eminem, I mean, Hell, it could be Kermit the Frog for all I care. As long as it's a recognizable image, I'll concede I've been wrong and embrace the existence of God, I mean, GOD.

So the ball's in God's court.

Cranky's gonna go make some toast.

DEMS VOTING TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF DISCUSSING IMPEACHMENT

In the wake of Donald Trump's ongoing corruption to monetize the presidency through his resort properties playing host to a steady stream of Repubs, foreign dignitaries, military personnel and anyone else willing to stay in his fleabag hotels, the Dems are taking the bold and decisive step to vote to consider the possibility of maybe discussing the idea of possibly holding a hearing to maybe discuss impeachment.

"We feel that taking a vote to discuss the possibility of maybe impeachment is called for and justified at this time." said Dem Sen. R.H.. "We have been thinking about possibly discussing this as a thing we might do if it were justified...maybe."

Currently the vote is scheduled for Thursday, or maybe next Monday, possibly by the end of the month and certainly no later than mid 2019. 

"We're committed to this. We hope to have decided sooner or later to maybe take the appropriate action to discuss what needs to be, uhh, to be...wait, where was I going with this?"

Trump has nothing to worry about.

THE TOUGHEST JOB IN THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE

In administrations past it might have been speculated the toughest job to be the President but as we all know, Trump has hours and hours of Executive Time each day to lay around and watch cable news, tweet endlessly on whatever random mind-burp seizes the bowl of lukewarm tapioca he calls a brain and hydrate himself with Diet Cokes until he's sweating Aspartame so that's certainly not the hardest job anymore.

Okay, who resigned or got canned this week?

It might have been thought to be Chief of Staff -- a position that overlooks the activity of everyone employed in the White House. This person has to make sure that everyone else is doing their job so there's a lot of responsibility there to be sure but, still, no, that's not it either.

Could it be the Press Secretary? This person has to interpret the President's words so that they can be understood by all. This is critically important since the slightest miscommunication could impact the country in various ways such as the stock market, the economy, national security...but, nahh. Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders spent so much time lying, spinning and generally mangling the truth that the argument could be made that we never actually got to hear any of it anyway.

How about Vice President -- c'mon, let's be real.

Okay, then what is the toughest job in the Trump White House, smartass? Cranky can hear you asking. Well, I'll tell ya...

It's the person who has to keep track of the personnel files. The one who keeps current all the names of those who work at the WH and then no longer work at the WH. This person's job is never done because Trump can't get along with anyone. No one stays employed there very long either because people eventually get tired of his shit or he fires them for whatever reason he comes up with. As I write this, Trump has been President for less than three years and in that time he's gone through 38 top-level executives -- all people who were either fired or resigned.

Were all of these people incompetent at their jobs? Well, most of them were dreadful people that only an idiot like Trump would've hired in the first place. Names like Scaramucci, Spicer, Banon, Pruitt, Omarosa, Porter, Flynn, Sessions, Acosta, and Bolton to name a few. These were bottom of the barrel selections but some others were people with very impressive resume's and personal integrity who simply couldn't work with Trumpty-Dumpty no matter how hard they tried. People like Mattis, Kelly, Rosenstein, Comey, NcMaster, Yates, and McCabe -- the people who tried to be the adults in the room but just couldn't control the spoiled rotten child that was in charge.

So this poor, overworked administrative foot soldier, whomever he or she may be, has to endlessly revise these personnel files with each new firing or resignation and with each new warm body that comes in to replace them but who will inevitably be following them out the door as well. This person's job is never finished and never will be so long as President Dumbass is in office.

I hope he or she just looks at it as job security, at least until Trump gets around to firing them too.

DEMONS BREEDING WITH HUMAN FEMALES!

The Vatican has issued a dire warning that Satan is on the move and is actively propogating himself through inter-species breeding with humans. This is creating a species of human/demon hybrids known as either Humons or Demans. Either way, it's shocking! "We must all pray for delivery from these unholy whatever the f**k they are before they come for our daughters, or the gay ones come for our sons, or the confused ones come for our pets!" warned Fr. Milton Lolly, Director of the Bureau to Monitor Satanic Activity -- a department tasked by the Pope to keep him apprised of any movements the Serpent of Old is making.

"Only through a sincere and loving relationship with Jesus can anyone hope to be protected from this growing threat. We must be ever vigilant and commit ourselves to Christ or we're as good as damned."

Asked if this crisis had anything to do with religious recruitment in the face of increasing atheism, Fr. Lolly replied "Not at all. The eternal fate of your soul is in your hands. We're simply making people aware of the dangers and what their options are to avoid the hellfire."

And what is the best option?

"Total unquestioning acceptance of the Christian faith."

Didn't see that coming.

FUTURE TRUMP SCANDALS

Since the Cheetoh in Chief can't go 10 mins without a scandal here's just a few Cranky predicts will detonate at some point before this one-term shitshow mercifully comes to an end..

What stupid looks like.

 - Trump will be photographed tweeting on the toilet in the George W. Bush Memorial Bathroom while he's calling some congresswoman a "3 at best." 

 - Trump will be caught masturbating to a picture of Ivanka. 

 - Trump will pitch a reality show concept where cameras follow him day and night being president. He calls the show Greatest President Ever! The show airs only on Fox News. 

 - Trump gives the commencement address at Tuskegee University and tells the graduates they need to learn how to sound more white and exclusively vote Republican to better their chances at success. 

 - Trumpp is video-recorded being teabagged by Putin and calling him "daddy." 

 - Trump will be caught masturbating to a different picture of Ivanka. Ivanka takes out a restraining order prohibiting her father from coming within 100' of any photos of her. 

 - Trump demands his daily briefings be presented to him in the form of a coloring book that a subordinate actually has to color for him.

BREAKING NEWS: CLIMATE SCIENCE  IS NOT REAL

A groundbreaking new report issued by the Organization for Climate Science Denial proposes that not only is climate change not real, but that climate science itself is a hoax as well. "People have been claiming that climate change is real for years based on the findings of climate science but we've discovered that climate science is a fraud based on no real science at all." said Milo Smegma, a spokesman for the OCSD. "This is a game changer." Mr. Smegma continued. "Now we can deny climate change with even greater certainty than ever before."

"Totally made up!" - Milo Smegma

When asked to outline the science that supports his claims, Mr. Smegma said, "So there's the climate and people say that the storms are bigger and more frequent, the temperature is rising and the world is getting hotter, the polar icecaps are melting, based on this people start crying it's the climate change boogeyman! We have to stop it or we're all gonna die! It's panicky and uncalled for."

When pressed for the actual science that disproves climate science, Mr. Smegma replied, "It's clear that there is no science at work here. Climate change is a hoax meant to curtail oil production and the burning of reliable fossil fuels. These are resources the world needs and this misguided left-wing effort to demonize their production and use is a load of tree-hugger hooey!"

When it was pointed out that none of this appears to have any scientific backing to support it, Mr. Smegma responded, "Science isn't necessary where the truth is obvious. Do we need science to tell us that water is wet, or that snow is cold? These are obvious truths like climate change being a hoax. So if climate change is an obvious hoax then any science that supports it is clearly a hoax as well."

When asked for his credentials as spokesman for the OCSD, Mr. Smegma replied, "I have a PhD in common sense from the University of Lifelong Experience and I have the clarity of thought that my conservative values provide me."

We're calling this actual fake news.

THE BALLAD OF MOSCOW MITCH

He wakes up each day with a plan in his head
To maximize votes from the states that are red
He'll do it through gerrymandering and voter suppression
No trick is too low to realize his obsession

When told that Russia wants to help his party win
He jumps into action to do what he kin
To aid them Ruskies with their nefarious plan
And smooth the way for his conservative klan

When legislation is drafted to help keep things fair
He's there to make certain that it goes nowhere
Fairness and honesty, these are just words
And words are for losers and losing's for the birds

"Help us, please, Russia, so we can stay in power!"
"The Constitution is just paper I wipe with in the shower."
"All that matters is that we keep our jobs"
"Voted into office by all those ignorant slobs."

So Moscow Mitch quietly works his schemes
While America burns and bursts at the seams
It's all part of what he must do to leap those hurdles
It's just who you are when you're the son of evil turtles

Do svidanya Moscow Mitch

The old, ugly face of evvil

A BRIEF INTERVIEW WITH HURRICANE DORIAN

Despite still being an active storm, Hurricane Dorian took some time out from his busy schedule to answer a few questions.

Q. Dorian, have you been enjoying your tour of the Atlantic islands and coastline?
HD. It's been an interesting trip. I've seen a lot of different places and done a variety of damage to them.

Dorian humping the Florida coastline.

Q. You really hammered the Bahamas. Why did you spend so much time there?
HD. The Bahamas are beautiful and I wanted to look around while I was there but I should've been more aware that hanging around that long was going to create a lot of problems for them. I probably owe the Bahamas an apology for that.

Q. An apology? That's not enough. You devastated the islands, people are dead, lives are in ruin. Couldn't you have shown them some mercy?
HD.  Maybe. I don't know. I'm a hurricane. Hurricanes are assholes It's in our nature..

Q. President Trump was very confused about what path you were going to take and claimed you had Alabama square in your sights. Did you, at any time, plan on hitting Alabama?
HD. Yeah, I''ve heard about the Sharpie thing. No. At no time was Alabama on my itinerary. Hurricanes plan these trips out in detail ahead of time and the NWS does their best to speculate on what route we're going to take but they're professionals. Trump is just a dumbass. People really ought to stop listening to him.

Q. Are you about finished pummeling America's Eastern seaboard?
HD. Not quite, I have some more damage to do but eventually I'll be heading back out to sea where I'll weaken and fall apart.

Q. You won't be missed.
HD. Hurricanes never are. 

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT FROM THE NWS

Dear Mr. President,

We leave it to you to lie to the citizenry, embarrass us on the world stage, pass $trillion tax giveaways for corporations and the richest 1% of Americans, misappropriate funding for your silly wall,, serve Vladimir Putin's will, destroy healthcare, and be an idiot man-child in the White House if you leave it to us to predict the weather.

Agreed?

Sincerely,

 - The National Weather Service

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT FROM SHARPIE

Dear Mr. President,

Please do not use our products to lie to the people of America. We manufacture our line of Sharpie products with great pride and do not appreciate it when they are purchased for dubious purposes. Please refrain in the future from using our quality products for anything this fucking stupid again.

Thank you,

 - All of us at Sharpie

WORLD LEADERS TO HOLD 'NO TRUMP ALLOWED' SUMMIT

After yet another typically disastrous appearance at the recent G7 Summit in France, Trump-weary world leaders have agreed that they need a break from the USA's Cheetoh-in-Chief and have arranged for a summit meeting to be held in Switzerland this Fall that Trump is specifically not invited to attend.

"Dear God, how much more of this can we stand?" asked a visibly exhausted Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. "If I have to shake his hand one more time and pretend I'm not speaking to a lunatic with a grade school education, I'm going to scream."
"Ja wohl." agreed Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkle. "He keeps telling me I'm only a two. What does that even mean?" she asked.

Asked if they were concerned about the optics of not inviting America's leader to a gathering of world leaders, Trudeau said, "We figure if no one tells him, he won't even notice. If someone does tell him, we'll call it fake news. He'll believe that."

When asked what the issues for discussion were going to be, it was stated that it would just be two days of everyone bitching about Trump. "It's a pressure release we need after two and a half years of dealing with that madman."

We completely understand.

IN SEARCH OF MIKE PENCE'S BALLS

A commission has been convened to attempt to determine if vice president Mike Pence has balls and, if so, where they are. The question of Mike Pence's balls have been swirling for some time, ever since footage was aired following a 2017 Cabinet meeting when Pence, along with several other Cabinet members, unashamedly licked Trump's ass for several degrading minutes while Trump ate Pence's fawning praise with a spoon. 

The issue has once again been brought to the forefront in the wake of Pence's recent trip to Ireland where, at the president's suggestion, Pence stayed in a Trump owned property in Doonbeg which is three hours west from where Pence was meeting in Dublin. Rather than tell Trump to "Suck it. I'm not driving three hours out of my way just to stay at your golf resort." Pence exposed his lily white underbelly and agreed to his master's unreasonable request because, well, no balls.

"We are confident that vice president Pence has balls and we will be able to locate them." stated Senator Will Bunky, (R) the man appointed to head the commission. "His wife, Karen, has already testified that she has seen them on at least one prior occasion." She further confirmed that they resembled "a pair of shriveled plums.." 

Whether or not Pence's balls can be located has yet to be determined but one thing seems clear; if one is willing to take a subservient position to an ignorant, immature, ill-mannered man-child then having one's own set of balls is probably not especially useful in the performance of one's duties. 

FOX NEWS FALLOUT

After a 2.5 year long honeymoon between Donald Trump and Fox News, the relationship has apparently cooled in recent weeks evidenced by Trump's public statements of dissatisfaction over his former media flame. The fallout seems to have begun because several Fox newsreaders had the ongoing temerity to factually state Trump's lies, incompetence, and corruption rather than spin any of it into examples of his qualifications and/or accomplishments.

Spinning bullshit since 1996

It works like this: Trump does something stupid, or incompetent, or corrupt Fox News reports it but presents it to their low information viewership as intelligent, well thought out and reasonable or they simply don't report on it at all. When he lies and he's called out on it, Fox News will claim that it was never a lie at all. Everybody in Trump world shouts "fake news!" and Trump's base is satisfied that their personal little tin god was once again made the victim of a smear campaign by the biased liberal news media but they were too smart to be fooled by it. They and Trump proclaim victory and complete exoneration. .

Denial of reality is mandatory if one is going to be a Trump supporter.

This was the arrangement so when some of Fox's on-air talent actually reports on Trump honestly, pointing out his lies, incompetence and/or corruption for what it actually is AND reports on Trump's plummeting poll numbers factually, well, Trump sees that as a betrayal of their arrangement  One that he wasn't going to handle gracefully. So like a wife who had gotten a few years too old or gained 10-15lbs it was time for a divorce -- a spiteful, public spectacle because Trump makes everything a spiteful public spectacle.

The relationship can be saved but it will be entirely on Fox News to do so. They'll have to apologize and beg his forgiveness. If they wait for him to make the first move, they'll be waiting forever and they know that.

TOM DIC ASS

Trump has made it clear he thinks the Constitution should be amended to allow him to serve as president for as long as he likes. While the idea of Donald Trump being named President for Life would be a dream come true for everyone in his inexplicable base of support, the fact is he's 73, at least 60-80lbs overweight and subsists on a diet primarily of grease and salt. That he's lasted this long without any serious health complications is impressive but it can't last forever. Even if he managed to pull off his dream of President for Life, sooner or later someone would have to be chosen to succeed him to his throne.

"Hmm, President for Life sounds good to me."

To this end, Tomorrow's Dictator's Association -- Tom Dic Ass for short -- has been formed to carry on his policies and style o leadership so that even after he's gone, his influence will remain and the country can continue to feel his presence like a colonoscopy without anesthesia.

The organization will recruit young men to be trained in the Tao of Trump -- a philosophy of leadership and manhood that defines that of the dear leader so that a pool of worthy candidates trained in the ways of Trump will always be available from which to draw. This taining includes a variety of disciplines such as:

- Revising the truth to serve your purposes

- How to deny absolutely anything regardless of evidence

- Groping women and getting away with it

- Advanced Tweeting

- The secrets of secrecy

- Pandering to corporate PAC money

- Fleecing the Evangelicals

- Promises don't have to be kept to get credit for them

- Embrace your inner sociopath

And many more lessons critical for success as a Trump style leader. Young men between the ages of 12 - 17 are encouraged to submit their applications along with a non-refundable application fee of $300 to be considered for acceptance into the program.

No minorities or women.

Obviously.

IMMIGRANT RECYCLING PROGRAM

The Trump administration has floated the idea of a revolutionary new solution to the ongoing problem of brown people trying to get into the US to escape opression and take our high-paying positions picking crops and doing day labor. The newly formed Dept. of Immigrant Solutions has outlined a program whereby the vast numbers of immigrants being held at the Southern border could be reclaimed as products useful to the global marketplace.

An expansive immigrant recycling plant is to be built in Frankfort, Kentucky where the immigrant infestation will be processed into a wide variety of products including: tires, re-bar, pet food, fertilizer, weed killer, engine oil, and a vast number of plastics applications.

"It's the perfect solution." boasted Elmo Cracker -- Head of Development for the program. "The families are kept together and processed together. No more separation for people to get upset over."

The program expects to process up to 10,000 immigrants per day. A rate that should resolve the immigrant issue entirely within six months. "There is a significant amount of greenhouse emissions produced in the process but since climate change is a hoax, that shouldn't be an issue." Cracker explained.

The program is expected to get underway just as soon as Trump gets re-elected.

WHO AM I?

 - I am a woman in a position of high authority who refuses to do her job.

 - The majority of people I represent are agreed upon an action that I refuse to take.

 - Ny inaction demonstrates my allegiance to my donors rather than to those who voted me into office.

 - I am far too corrupt and compromised to be of any further use to anyone other than my donors.

 - People think I'm a smart, effective leader but I'm really just a political animal.

 - I look like I probably smell of Ben-Gay.

Submit your answers below.

QUESTION

There was another mass shooting yesterday, this time in Odessa, TX. Apparently some guy got pulled over by the cops for some unstated reason and he started just shooting at them then took off and kept shooting at random people as he sped away.

But he wasn't done, he then abandoned his car and hijacked a mail truck and kept right on shooting at anyone and everyone til he abandoned the mail truck and hid in a movie theater where the cops finally found him and shot him dead.

So, yeah.

Cranky's question is; shooting at people is still illegal in the US, right?

I'm really starting to wonder since this sh*t is happening every other week and ain't nothing being done about it so I think the question is valid. Personally, I think unless you're in a war fighting against tyranny, oppression, and evil then shooting at people is probably not the solution to whatever your trouble might be,

I'm just sayin'.

SO...TRUMP

Cranky has a question; what the actual ef is wrong with this guy?

Trump's brain hurts.

Did someone hide his meds? Is his mind being consumed by a Jovian brain slug? Seriously, Cranky wants an answer; what is his problem?? Normal thinking people don't behave this way. Normal thinking people are a combination of good and bad impulses. You strive to maximize the good and minimize the bad. Not Trump. His only instincts are all bad. He never chooses the right thing under any circumstances.

Give you an example. If Trump came upon a dog that had been struck by a car and was lying on the side of the road, whimpering, in pain, needing help, select what Trump would most likely do from this list of options:

A- Keep driving and pay it no mind
B- Stop, look, shrug his shoulders then keep driving
C- Stop, get out, piss on its head then keep driving
D- Run over it again as he drove past then flip it the bird
E- Stop, take the animal to a vet and stay with it
F- Anything but E

I've lost count of all the messed up sh*t he's done because it gets added to every day. There's no end to it. He's a liar, cheat, and swindler in an ill-fitting suit and a bad rug. He's achieved a level of corruption that Cranky didn't think was even possible. It would be impressive if it weren't so f**ked up.

And the tweeting! The goddamn idiotic tweeting! Enough already! The Trump administration has made Crany very cranky. We need to regain some measure of normalcy or I'm just gonna have to close myself up into a box til this is over.