DONALD TRUMP WINS AT IMPEACHMENT

Preziduhhhnt Trump loves to proclaim himself a winner at all times. To hear him tell it, he wins at everything he does, always. Well. as of last night, he can add yet another win to his vast list of dubious accomplishments -- he won at getting himself impeached.

Winning BIGLY!

Congratulations, Donald, you did it! There's been lots of Presidents but only a few have managed to get themselves impeached. You now belong to that very exclusive club. Not only did you get yourself impeached but you won the vote by a landslide! How proud you must be! But this is no time for the Prez to rest on his laurels, there's many more victories yet to claim. There's still so many more lies to tell, so many more scandals to detonate, so much more corruption to commit and less than a year to get it all done.

But wait, isn't there a Senate trial to be had?

Yes, there is but Mitch McConnell has already confirmed his intention to run a kangaroo court once the articles are sent to the floor so here's what I'd like to see happen; Nancy Pelosi is refusing to commit to a time when she'll turn over the articles of impeachment to the Senate so I think she should hold onto them until after the 2020 election to see if two things happen:

 - To see if Trump is re-elected
 - To see if the Dems can take control of the Senate

If those two things happen, then send the articles to the floor for a trial. That way, the Dems can deny the Repubs their rigged trial where they will just rubberstamp an acquittal for Trump and they can also remove Trump shortly after he's re-elected and spare this nation any more of that maniac's psychotic leadership.

Since there's nothing that precludes the Dems from pursuing this strategy I think that's the plan we should go with. If that means that we then have to deal with a President Pence, well, I didn't say it was a perfect solution, just the best one we have.

THE ALMIGHTY ELECTION

Evangelical Republicans often claim that Donald Trump was chosen by diving providence to be the President. Outgoing Secretary of Energy, Rick Perry, said so again just this week. If this is true then that would mean that God has most likely had a hand in the selection of everyone who's ever been President.

God looking over the candidates and 

considering who He likes best.

Makes sense, don't it? If God is going to involve himself in America's politics and particularly who gets to sit in the Oval Office then whoever gets the job was GOD's preference. So why do the evangelicals only ever support God's choice for President when it's a Republican? When GOD chose Obama last time around, the evangelicals lost their shit. They clearly felt that God had failed in his selection that time but as soon as there was another Repub sitting there they once again felt free to proclaim God's wisdom even though the guy God had chosen was Donald Trump, a sociopathic gameshow host with the skin tone of a radioactive Cheetoh and a dead marmoset on his head.

This all seems very disingenuous and I'm calling shenanigans on the evangelicals. If God's picking the Presidents then he's picking ALL of them, even the ones you don't like. So if you find a far left Progressive Dem like Sanders or Warren sitting in the big chair after November of 2020, remember, that was GOD's choice.

Who are you to question the wisdom of GOD?

INDIANA JONES AND THE SEARCH FOR TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS

LucasFilm Ltd. has announced the start of production on their latest Indiana Jones adventure as the intrepid archeologist and heroic cinematic icon goes in search of his most elusive treasure yet, Donald Trump's tax returns.

Indiana Jones heroism versus 

Washington, DC corruption!

"Trump's tax returns are buried deeper than the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail so who's more qualified than Dr. Jones to find them?" asked the film's Executive Producer, George Lucas. "We were going to craft a story around a search for the toolbox of Joseph of Aramethea but this has so much more potential for action and adventure and is certainly more timely." he added.

The film will star Harrison Ford in the title role with Steven Spielberg sitting in the director's chair and is expected to be the final installment of the epic Indiana Jones saga.

"We're capping off the run of this franchise with Indy's most challenging quest yet. The stakes are high and Trump and his Republican cronies will be out to stop Indy any way they can, It's gonna be a nailbiter. Harrison is pumped to make the film and so am I." Spielberg enthused.

The film is expected to land in theaters around the same time as Trump starts his prison term for corruption and tax fraud.

REPUB HUB-BUB

The Republicans have their hands full in Congress trying to defend Donald Trump's actions relative to Ukraine. Now that the impeachment inquiry has gone public they're putting on their best show of indignation that them uppity Dems would make such a fuss about an inexcusable act of corruption they say never happened.

But they know it did which is why that rather than argue the substance of the allegations, they're screaming that it's uncalled for, and a farce, and, let's all say it together, a witch hunt. Except that it isn't so they have to defend him and to do that, they're going to have to put on a show, a piece of political theater called 'Stand By Your Man.' To this end they've cast all their best people in all their best roles.

- Rep. Jim Jordan plays the role of Angry Man, outraged that this sham is being allowed to happen. He yells a lot and demands the whistleblower be dragged into the spotlight. Nobody does loud and angry better than JJ so watch him as he turns his wrath all the way to eleven.

Angry Man doing his angry thing.

- Rep. Lindsey Graham plays the role of Indignant Man. incensed that the Dems would try to remove the President just for doing his job. Outrageous!

Graham being all indignant.

- Rep. Devin Nunes plays the role of Reader of the Facts. He presents the "facts" of the case in a measured voice that he hopes will convince viewers that what he's saying isn't total bullshit.

Nunes doing the measured thing

The remainder of the roles will be filled by various Republicans all proclaiming Trump's innocence and denying that he did anything wrong. The hope is that if they yell loud enough, deny hard enough, distract effectively enough, and confuse the issue, they can keep enough public support on their side to acquit without having to be held accountable.

It seems they want to go down in history as corrupt and spineless.

Go figure.

WEALTH SHAMING

Democrat late-comer to the 2020 race for the nomination for President, former NYC Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has been publicly taunting President Trump with the size of his fortune, boasting that he makes more on the interest on his vast wealth alone than Trump's entire fortune. Bloomberg, whose wealth is in excess of $50B is vastly richer than Trump and sees that as a way to get under the President's incredibly thin skin.

It seems to be working too. Bloomberg's claims have clearly rankled the President who's very touchy about being viewed as anything less than a multi-billionaire. "Bloomberg has no idea what my worth is. I'm worth so much more than he knows. I have huge sums of money. Huge! So much money that even I'm not sure how much I have but it's way more than what he's thinking. I promise you that." Trump said in response.

Bloomberg in turn has suggested that they settle the issue by making their tax returns public, a suggestion that Trump immediately rejected. "Everyone knows my taxes are under audit and can't be released. but if they could be, you'd see how incredibly rich I am and there would be no question that my wealth is huge. It's so huge that you just won't believe it. You'll say, 'Wow, look how huge the President's wealth is. It's massive and huge. Like my penis'" he said.

Trump's penis not withstanding, his continued refusal to prove his true worth is a thread that can be pulled on to help unravel his re-election. Although it might be easier for Bloomberg to simply offer Trump $100M just to go the fuck away.

 He'd take it.

AND IT BEGINS...

It's time!

The Trump public impeachment circus begins this morning. Everybody get ready for the big show.

SEE the Dems outline the President's crimes!

SEE the Repubs lie, obfuscate, and pretend to be outraged!

SEE Trump tweet his anger in real time!

Pop some corn, pour a drink and enjoy the shitstorm. This is going into the history books.

IT'S PAT!

In the aftermath of Trump's devastating public humiliation getting booed last week at Game 5 of the World Series, the White House has added an additional seven people to the President's Personal Approval Team. The PAT members are selected from among the President's base and are pro-Trump to the point of obsessive. Their responsibility is to stroke the President's ego at all times over anything he does regardless of how trivial it may be.

PAT Team Logo

The team trails behind the President all throughout the White House and cheer and clap at whatever he does or says. When the brushes his teeth, they cheer and applaud. When he signs a document, they cheer and applaud. When he makes a boom-boom, they cheer and applaud. They're on call 24/7 and no "accomplishment" is too insignificant to be ignored.  He once dropped a pen and picked it up to a standing ovation from the team.

"The President accomplishes so much every day: he signs his name, he eats his lunch, he ties his shoes and everything he does is praiseworthy. He rightfully expects to be praised and I'm so proud to be one of those selected to provide all that well earned adulation." said LuAnn Plopp, one of the ardent Trump supporters chosen for the team.

Team members are chosen from registered Republican voters who submit an application then submit to a background check, the semi-finalists are interviewed, vetted, then must meet with Trump for 5 mins. If he gives his approval, the candidate is offered the job typically within six weeks. Competition for a place on the team is fierce among his base and those chosen compare it to an almost religious experience.

"It's like how the disciples must have felt serving Jesus." said Charles Bauerchuk, another team member..

"I love my PATties. They're doing a tremendous, just a tremendous job. The best. They love me. They love their country. They 're just great, especially the one with the big tits." Trump enthused.

The "one with the big tits" is Choir Melange, and ex-pole dancer turned die-hard Trump supporter who made the team in the last round of selections after Trump interviewed her for 10 secs and replied "I want her." She was hired on the spot. She sums up her feelings for the job like this; "I would die for him. I want him to eat my spleen so we can always be a part of each other."

Sooooo yeah.

TOP 13 SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED

Because 13 is a scarier number than 10 so in the spirit of Halloween here's the thirteen most prominent indicators to determine if your house is overrun with supernatural pests.

13: The Walls are Bleeding - well at least they're not puking! That'd really be gross!

12: There's a Zombie in your Shower - and his bits and pieces are falling off and clogging the drain!

11: A Nexxus to Hell Opens in your Pantry - and all the Doritos got sucked in!

10: You Call an Old Priest and a Young Priest - because Satan!

9: There's a Screaming Corpse in the Basement - and the noisy fucker is keeping you up all night!

8: Donald Trump is Still the President - because that's just always terrifying!

7: Goblins Braid your Hair at Night - but it's your pubic hair!

6: A Family of Skeletons Lives in your Attic - and you don't even have an attic!

5: There are Bodies Buried in your Backyard - and they're pissed!

4: A Coven of Witches Eat your Children - without your permission!

3: Did I mention a Nexxus to Hell opens in...yeah, I already did this one.

2: I'm running out of idea so we'll say Your Bed is Shaking - and not for a good reason!

And the number one sign your house is haunted...

1: People Pay Admission just to Walk Through!

Keep this list going by adding your own in the comments.

CRANKY INTERVIEW: MICK MULVANEY

On Oct 17th, Acting White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney gave a disastrous Press conference where he openly admitted that President Trump  was guilty of soliciting foreign interference from Ukraine in the upcoming 2020 presidential election to benefit himself -- a charge the President had been denying for weeks. The blowback from this admission has been explosive.

The Capt. Crankypants Blog has scored the first interview with Mr. Mulvaney since yesterday's historic screw-up.

Mick Mulvaney wondering if 

Home Depot is hiring.

CC: Welcome, Mick Mulvaney, acting Chief of Staff under Donald Trump.

MM: Thank you, Cranky. Nice to be here.

CC: Soooo, how does one put this; you really shit the bed, didn't you?

MM: Well, I think you're making more of the situ...

CC: No. You really shit the bed.

MM: Uhh, yes, I did.

CC: You openly admitted to the White House Press Corps that Donald Trump committed a crime.

MM: On reflection, I regret that choice.

CC: I'm sure you do. Was that a strategic decision made prior to taking the podium?

MM: Yes. It was believed that if we could normalize this sort of thing then we could get away with it now and in the future. After all, it had worked for the President in the past.

CC: But did it work for you?

MM: No. Regrettably, it did not.

CC: How would you describe the outcome of that press conference?

MM: I soiled the mattress.

CC: Are you saying you shit the bed?

MM: Yes. I defecated in the bed.

CC: You shit the bed, just say it.

MM: I defeca...

CC: You shit the bed.

MM: I shit the bed.

CC: I concur.

MM: I shit the bed.

CC: During that same Press conference you also stated that the Trump Doral Golf Resort in Miami was given the contract to host the 2020 G7 Summit. This is a property owned by the Trump Organization. Isn't that a direct violation of the Emoluments Clause?

MM: Nobody cares about that.

CC: I'm sorry, did you just say nobody cares about that?

MM: Not at all. Let me be clear; we don't expect that to be a concern for anyone.

CC: So you're hoping nobody cares about that.

MM: More or less. 

CC: Were any other properties considered to host the event?

MM: Many others but the Doral Resort was clearly the best choice.

CC: How so?

MM: President Trump owns the Doral.

CC: Did you just admit to another criminal offense of the Trump Administration?

MM: I probably shouldn't have said that. Disregard.  The Doral was chosen for reasons completely independent of its ownership.

CC: So you're walking back your previous statement like you tried to walk back what you said yesterday?

MM: I'm trying to.

CC: You're really not very good at this. In the wake of the fiasco you've created, what's next for Mick Mulvaney?

MM: Unemployment probably.

CC: Count on it. Trump is probably preparing the public statement of your firing as we speak.

MM: I have no doubt of that.

CC: Mick Mulvaney, soon to be Former Acting Chief of Staff and now world famous bedshitter, thank you.

MM: He also cheats on his wife and lies about everything.

CC: We know.

HERE'S AN INTERESTING THOUGHT

All Presidents get a library and museum for the display and preservation of their papers, records, and historical materials. No matter how disastrous a presidency is, he or she is going to get a library for having been President even if he or she gets impeached or even removed.

Which means Trump will get a library. Trump will.

What will Trump's contribution to the Presidential library system possibly be? Started in 1939 by FDR, all Presidents, even the bad ones, have contributed their historic documents to this system. Trump is an interesting case in that he neither reads nor writes anything and limits himself to about a 16-hour work week so apart from a bunch of self-serving Executive Orders that he signed and held up to the camera like a child proudly displaying a finger painting, I'm uncertain what the Donald Trump library is going to consist of other than just to be a repository of his corruption, stupidity, and lies, and possibly the Fox News program schedule and 1000 back issues of Hustler magazine he's been collecting since the mid 70's.

Henry Bemis on his appointment as 

Director of the Trump Library

I find it ironically amusing that a man who hates books and refuses to read anything will have a library named after him. While we're at it, why not create a class in business ethics and marital fidelity under his name as well and make them a college pre-requisite?

Makes just as much sense.

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Don't put your doggie down, drive the Devil back to the depths instead!

HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 2: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

A remake of the tension filled 1957 courtroom drama 12 Angry Men is currently in development but with a twist -- it's being turned into a comedy.

Yeah, that's how we all feel about your movies.

You heard that right. Adam Sandler (who else) is producing and starring in the ill conceived remake through his shit factory, Happy Madison Productions. The original film starred Henry Fonda and a stellar cast of actors, all of whom delivered bravura performances in a film that has justifiably achieved classic status. So, naturally, Sandler wants to take a big wet dump all over it and turn it into a "comedy" of pop culture references, product placement, and fart jokes.

Co-starring all the SNL rejects he always hires, this cinematic abortion will be dumped into theaters in the Fall of 2021.

-------------------------------

Comedian turned horror movie auteur, Jordan Peele is hard at work on the screenplay of his next project, Black as Hell.

He's funny. He's scary. He's black. He's Jordan Peele.

Little is known about the script but word is that it tells the story of a black man who dies, goes to Hell and stirs up racial unrest when he's cast into the Lake of Fire surrounded by Neo-Nazis, Skinheads, and members of the KKK who are already burning there.  Things get even more heated after the black man meets and falls in love with the condemned soul of a white woman. The couple find an unlikely ally in the soul of Fred Trump (Donald's dad) who has apparently mellowed somewhat on his rampant racism since he bit the big one.

Racial tension is a common thread in Peele's work and given the quality of his previous films expectations will be high for this picture.

-------------------------------

Meryl Streep has signed on to provide one of the voices in the all star CG animated production of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

Streep will play a box of Tagalongs that wants to run for President of the fictional world of Cookieland. She is aided by her staff of friends: her running mate, a box of Do-Si-Do's voiced by Mindy Kaling, her campaign manager, a box of Samoas voiced by Dwayne Johnson, her PR rep, a box of Thin Mints voiced by Billy Bob Thornton, and her legal counsel, a box of Savannah Sniles voiced by celebrity chef, Paula Deen. The cookies are trying to be stopped by the Keebler Elves who want to run their Girl Scout cookie knockoffs: a box of Coconut Dreams for President voiced by Harrison Ford and his running mate, a box of Grasshoppers voiced by Anne Hathaway.

The edible cast of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

The picture is a co-production between Monument Studios, the Girl Scouts of America, and Keebler Foods® and is basically just a 90 minute ad for cookies masquerading as a family film.

Personally, I recommend you just buy some cookies and forget the movie.

-------------------------------

An all-female remake of the classic Stanley Kubrick war film, Full Metal Jacket is in development with Amy Schumer and Rebel Wilson attached in the iconic roles of Joker and Gomer Pyle. 

This guy wants to make a war movie

with a cast of comediennes.

This is a truly weird idea that could only have come from the mind of Paul Feig, the "visionary" behind the disastrous all-female Ghostbusters remake of 2016. The part of the uber-profane Gunnery Sargeant Hartman will be played by Melissa McCarthy, a frequent Feig collaborator.

Get ready for a lot of charges of misogyny if you don't like the film and the odds are pretty good you won't. Remaking any film is always a gamble but when you're remaking a classic the stakes go way up as the film will inevitibly be compared to the original so unless you've come up with a way to make a perfect film better, you're gonna suffer by comparison. This is what happened with his Ghostbusters remake -- he remade a movie that couldn't have been made any better than it already was. He's now flirting with a repeat of that same mistake.

Feig is writing and will direct the film. Why? Because apparently he hasn't learned his lesson yet.

-------------------------------

Russian supermodel, Tatiana, will make her big screen debut as the love interest of ex-Wolverine, Hugh Jackman, in the big screen adaptation of the New York Times bestselling espionage thriller, Up Your Fudge. Yeah, we know, that title makes no sense but neither does casting a supermodel who can't act and barely speaks English.

Hopefully Jackman will play most of his scenes with his shirt off or there'll be nothing to save this one.

-------------------------------

Finally...

We all know Helen Keller is an icon of the strength of the human spirit. We al know the story of how she overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles being blind, deaf, and mute to become a college graduate, author, activist, and teacher but did you know she was also abducted by aliens?

Water. Water, Helen. Waaaater.

That's right. In 1938 while she was outside making up funny names for different parts of her body, she was taken up by an alien spacecraft where she was subjected to  "Unspeakable experiments in science against my person." as she described it.

This little known event is being examined in detail in a new documentary, Helen Keller's Alien Anal Probe. In an amazing casting coup, the part of Miss Keller will be played by Jodie Foster. The broadcast will be treated as a special event with lots of commercial interruptions to help cover the cost of hiring an Oscar-winning actress to play the lead in a television documentary.

The program will air on Discovery this Winter.

PRAY YOUR TROUBLES AWAY

Seeking to put an immediate end to the impeachment inquiry into the Trump White House, Vice President Mike Pence has tapped into his Christian powers of prayer and turned to God for help. Pence has been leading daily prayer requests, beseeching the Almighty to intervene on his behalf and stop the impeachment against Trump from proceeding.

Holy Father, please protect our corruption 
and smite our Democrat persecutors.

"He prays all the time, usually for the swift passage of Republican legislation but lately there's been a lot of requests for help with the impeachment." said Dem Senator Hank Branch. "I'm not sure if he expects God to reach down and use his God powers to make us forget about impeachment or if he's hoping all the Democratic members of the House spontaneously combust but he's clearly waiting for something to take place."

So far, Pence's prayers have gone unanswered as the impeachment continues to expand with each new outrage and act of defiance coming from Trump including a written notification to the impeachment committee that the White House will not cooperate with the inquiry and branding it as unconstitutional. An unusual charge to make against a procedure outlined in the Constitution.

Regardless, Pence continues his daily entreaties certain that God will come through for him. "There will be no impeachment of this President. It's wrong and Heaven won't allow it. It's just a matter of persistence. I will continue to pray until my prayers are answered and the Power of God prevails. His will be done." Pence said.

And what if God's will is that Trump be impeached and removed and all those who were complicit are met by the full force of law?

"That is not God's will."

I guess we'll see.

OH NO, IT'S TOGO!

The tiny Republic of Togo -- a country in West Africa -- wants so badly to become a player in global politics it has contacted the White House and left a message offering their service to investigate any of the Democrat rivals on which President Trump wants to get dirt.

"We will look into anyone the President wants us to and find the scandals no matter how deep they're buried." said Otome Otumbo, Under-Secretary of Political Objectives for the Togo government. "We'll prove Elizabeth Warren practices witchcraft, that Bernie Sanders is a High Priest in the Church of Satan, and Joseph Biden makes sex with crack whores. We can find it whether it's real or not. We hope this greatest of presidents will consider our offer."

It's certainly a tempting offer by Trump administration standards and the President has expressed his interest but he tempers that interest with skepticism. "I like it but Togo is a tiny place with not a lot of money. Their GDP is half my personal fortune. Still, I like what they're proposing and they have the right attitude. Maybe but I'm not sure."

Otumbo counters such concerns by arguing, "We are small but that is to our advantage. No one sees Togo coming and by the time they do see us, we've already taken many notes and shot much video."

Togo sees this move as a major step toward a larger role in global politics and hopes they can position themselves as the go-to country for this sort of government muckraking and political infighting. They've even gone so far as to have already branded themselves for this purpose with the simple but memorable slogan  -- GO TO TOGO.

When asked how this idea as government spies-for-hire came about, Otumbo replied, "Trump has created a political atmosphere rife with anger, paranoia, and desperation. In such an environment, opportunity is where you find it."

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TRUMPLAND THEME PARK IN DEVELOPMENT

Taking their cue from all the fun and adventure that is the Trump administration, FlubbCo Inc., a Chigago based entertainment company specializing in immersive family friendly experiences is currently in the design stage of a new theme park that will cater to the feverish and irrational love President Trump's base has for the embattled 45th Commander-in-Chief -- Trumpland.

The company pitched the project to Trump after a $70,000 donation to his re-election campaign. The President loved the idea and signed off on it committing to a budget of $1.7B in government funding for the project approved by Trump himself who redirected the money from Medicare, Social Security and the VA to pay for the park.

Trumpland Concept Art

"Trumpland will be a fun for the whole family kind of experience. A Donald Trump Disneyland, so to speak. It will feature shops, restaurants and plenty of rides that will put our guests right inside the carnival-like atmosphere of the Trump administration." said Rex Bletch, a public relations spokesman for FlubbCo. "We're going to give the Trump support base a unique and memorable odyssey into President Trump if President Trump were a theme park."

The park will open with 23 rides that include:

 - The Poller Coaster -- Like Trump's poll numbers this rollercoaster has peaks and drops but none of them are very big. It's about 38% of a good rollercoaster ride. It's not very exciting but it's reliable.

 - The Tweeter-Totter - A thrilling ride that sends guests spinning and revolving across multiple axes of motion while random Trump tweets are displayed on screens positioned around the ride.

 - Whack-a-Dem - Modeled after its namesake, WaD puts guests in control of a laser rifle that activates a hammer when the bullseye is hit and brings the hammer down on effigies of prominent Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and, of course, AOC among many others.

 - The 2nd Amendment Shooting Gallery - Pick up an AR-15 and aim for the the blue circles on the protesters at an anti-Trump rally on a hi-res display. The more you kill, the more you score. Pick off more than 100 anti-Trumpers and win a Certificate of Achievement. Sponsored by the NRA.

 - Space Force: Space Combat Adventure -- Board a Space Force Fighter and launch into a pitched battle against an army of Democrats armed with blasters trying to block funding for the much needed Space Force. Fight your way to full funding by eliminating the Democrat hordes.

There will be plenty of Trump merchandise and restaurants serving Trump's favorite foods so expect lots of McDonald's and KFC to fill those rumbling tummies.

The park is scheduled to open in Nashville, TN in the Summer of 2024 or as Trump puts it "Near the end of my second term and close to the start of my third."

DIGGING IN THE DIRT

President Trump's been a busy bee of late, focusing almost obsessively on digging up as much dirt as he can on his chief Dem rival, Joe Biden. He's not letting anything stop him, least of all some pesky impeachment inquiry. Even as his presidency is crumbling around him , he is focused on his re-election and he needs dirt on Biden. Lots of dirt and he doesn't care where he gets it.  Trump is, if nothing else, fully committed to his corruption. So much so that although he's already getting help from Russia, Ukraine, and he's hoping from China too, he now wants to expand his search for dirt on Biden by engaging the help of everyone no matter who they are. So even if you don't have vast sums of money to give to his campaign, you can still help Donald Trump in his quest for a second (and maybe a third) term.

How? Easy. Dirt. Any kind of dirt.

Trump's strategy for victory in 2020

Are you a waitress that served Biden a meal and he didn't leave a tip or maybe he undertipped you? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you a doorman who didn't receive a thank you from Biden after holding the door open for him? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you a Girl Scout who tried to sell Biden a box of Samoas and he declined to make the purchase? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you anyone at all who ever overheard Biden complain about the weather, or traffic or anything? Trump wants to hear from you.

Trump's search for dirt is his prime concern even moreso than the impeachment. He's got plenty of people and an entire right-wing news channel willing to help him beat that and when he does, he'll need that dirt.

Donald Trump LOVES dirt. Donald Trump WANTS dirt. Donald Trump NEEDS dirt.

Donald Trump IS dirt.

TRUMP SUPPORTER DISORDER

Yesterday, the Cheetoh-in-Chief lost it during a Press conference in the East room and then again in a follow-up shortly thereafter. Trump was enraged by the ongoing impeachment inquiry and made his frustration known by raving crazily about how the Dems are out to get him, and how he's being piled on by everyone like no President in history, that he's innocent of any wrongdoing despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, and he even rolled out his "I am a stable genius." claim again. His fact-free, lie heavy, semi incoherent, paranoid rant was not unlike watching a monkey fling its feces at an enemy.

The man is am imbecile running unhousebroken throughout the office of the presidency and still there's his base who will not abandon him for any reason.

His freakin' base.

They don't care that he lies constantly, that he's corruption personified, that he's incredibly racist, that his entire network of friends and associates are criminals, that there's credible evidence that he's a traitor who's compromised by a hostile foreign power, or that he's objectively stupid and can't string together a coherent thought because nothing matters to them. Nothing whatever.

This is a sickness of some kind and I'm going to take the lead and give it a name -- Trump Supporter Disorder -- a neurological condition characterized by willful ignorance, selective amnesia, misplaced hero worship and an overall political dumbness that affects a certain breed of conservative and for which there is no known cure.

Are you a Trump supporter? Do you fear you may be a Trump supporter? Is there some way to qualify one's self as a Trump supporter? Well, now there is. The Political Testing Laboratory of Oxnard has created this simple quiz to definitively identify if you suffer from TSD.

All answers are Yes or No but feel free to embellish in the comments.

------------------------

1. Do you believe all of Trump's scandals are just Democrat hoaxes?

2. Do you masturbate to Trump's Twitter feed?

3. Do Trump's incomprehensible speeches make perfect sense to you?

4. Does Trump deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for...something?

5. Do you think Trump could do your 9 year old's homework correctly?

6. Would you trust Trump with your credit card?

7. Was Donald Trump chosen by God to save America?

8. Is all news fake except for what you hear on Fox?

9. Is Trump even qualified enough to be night manager at a Circle K?

10. Do you believe Trump's claim that he's a stable genius?

11 Do you make $35,000 annually and still think Trump cares about you?.

12. Do you wish Trump could be President forever and ever and ever?

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If you said "Yes" to any three or more of these questions, you're delusional, ignorant, and either can't see reality or choose not to. In other words, we're sad to inform you that you're suffering from TSD and that, yes, you are a Trump supporter.

You may feel compelled to go out and kick a brown person, most likely an immigrant.

Don't.

IMMORTALITY IS NOW A REALITY...SORT OF

Everybody wants to live a long time. Some people want to live forever but we're limited by these flawed organic shells we occupy. Out bodies are fragile and given to innumerable diseases and/or illnesses that could reduce one's life expectancy by  any number of years whether it be from diabetes, cancer, organ failure or chronic conditions of all kinds.

Even under the best of circumstances: genetic advantages, perfect health, luck -- the most you can realistically hope for is to reach 100 or so. After that, facts are facts, people wear out and then you die. Dying sucks. You don't get to go waterskiing, or hiking, or feel the rain on your face, or smell the pretty flowers, or have hot, wet monkey sex, or anything. Ever again.

People have dreamt of conquering death for as long as there have been people dying -- it's one of the reasons religion was invented -- but it's also been speculated upon by science or at least by science fiction through the concept of implanting one's consciousness into a durable, undying artificial body.

It's a wild idea. To begin with, the technology to build a fully functional artificial human body doesn't even exist and if it did it would be hugely expensive. Also, since this wouldn't take place until after death it's unlikely your insurance would cover the cost of what would probably be a million dollar procedure.

So it's out of reach. There's no way to do this. Death wins.

Wrong!

A new compamy, one that hasn't even been taken public yet has been hard at work on this very problem for the last several years and believe they have the solution. Automotron-X® a Rochester, NY based
start-up has announced that they're on the verge of offering an affordable solution that makes near immortality available to most people for a cost of about $50,000. They even offer financing plans.

Company Logo

Imagine it, your brain in an artificial body that will last long after your death and is immune from illness and disease -- all for just $50,000!

Now...there is a catch.

For that kind of money you don't get top of the line choices but what you do get is serviceable. The company has developed the procedure that enables them to remove your brain at the moment of death and keep it functioning but to keep costs down the receptacle you will occupy is modest.

Your sleek new body.

It's a repurposed computer case. The company has entered into a contract with computer manufacturer, Computek® to purchase the cases at a bulk rate in anticipation of very brisk business once they launch this product in the Spring.

The company believes many people will opt for this in anticipation of future upgrades. Automotron-X® spokesman, Russell van Damme (no relation to the actor) says, "Sure, it's a computer case now but down the line it will be a much nicer case, then maybe a car. Hell, if you can afford it, it could be a Ferrari. How cool would it be to have a Ferrari body?"

So science fiction is on the cusp of becoming science fact and we are now one big step closer to conquering death. Start saving up now because you never know when the grim reaper will come for you.  For those who may have moral or ethical questions of transferring human consciousness into a metal box like it's a can of Spam, ask yourself this; is it better to die and spend eternity without awareness in a wooden box or spend it in a metal box with awareness and the possibility of upgrades, maybe even into a Ferrari?

All I can say to that is VROOOOM!

MONETIZING THE AFTERLIFE

When you consider all the dead talent there is: Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Mozart, Beethoven, Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, Judy Garland, Elvis, Michelangelo, Edgar Allen Poe, Charles Dickens, Marilyn Monroe, Houdini and on, and on, and on...

If there was an afterlife, wouldn't all these dead artists still want to be practicing their craft? What happens once you've died and gone to Heaven? Do you just lose all interest in everything that meant something to you in life? If not, why wouldn't God have a company -- let's call it, the Dead Talent Agency -- and contract this amazing pool of talent out to continue to produce work here on Earth?

Is Hendrix just sitting around Heaven, plucking his guitar without an audience for eternity? What a waste! God needs to monetize the afterlife. There's a mountain of money to be made with all that classic talent just hanging out with nothing to do. Think about it; what would you pay for the NEXT album from Prince, or the NEXT book by HP Lovecraft?

God is sitting on a goldmine!

Before someone replies "But Cranky, you're an atheist." Sure but if I'm wrong and there is an afterlife, doesn't what I'm saying make sense? I'm not and there isn't but it's still fun to speculate.

What dead artist would you most like to hear from again?

THIS IS DIFFERENT HOW?

Republicans throughout Congress want it understood that the only reason we're not going to get affordable healthcare, lower drug prices, rebuilt infrastructure, higher wages and a whole slate of legislative Xmas gifts is entirely the fault of the Dems and their focus on impeaching Donald Trump. "We were all set to really go to work on healthcare, and education, and infrastructure, everything everybody wants until the Democrats shifted their focus off these issues to obsess on impeachment. You could've had healthcare reform by year's end if not for the Dems hatred of this President. Now you'll get nothing. What a shame but it's clear who's at fault. " said Senator (R)Jord Jimlan.

We're not working with you and 

you can't make us!

When it was pointed out that none of these issues were on the Republican agenda prior to the impeachment proceedings, Senator Jimlan replied, "We were right at the point of adding them when this Whistleblower nonsense broke and the Dems went nuts. Now all they want to do is impeach, impeach, impeach and nothing else so it's entirely their fault."

Although Progressives have continued to propose this sort of legislation during the impeachment inquiry, the Republicans have refused to consider any of it and instead have vowed to do nothing and simply allow all Democratic legislation die in the Senate as long as the impeachment continues.

In other words, nothing has changed but now there's an impeachment inquiry going on.

We'll take that and call it a win.

GOP SENATOR: TRUMP'S CORRUPTION IS OBAMA'S FAULT

Mired in the scandal of President Trump's Ukraine phonecall and the impeachment inquiry resulting from it, one Repub Senator wants it understood that Trump is merely a victim in this and that the real blame belongs to former President Barack Obama.

Democrat Corruption Virus?

"This whole thing is a Dem conspiracy to lay the blame for Obama's corruption at the feet of an innocent President Trump. I'm outraged by these brazen machinations to smear our President with the malfeasance of the previous administration!" said one Republican Senator who wished to remain anonymous but whose name may or may not rhyme with Tinsley Braham.

When asked to explain how former President Obama is responsible for a crime committed by current President Trump, the GOP Senator stated, "Look, it's obvious. Obama was the most corrupt and deceitful man ever to sit in the Oval Office so, of course, the molecules and  microbes of his corruption were left behind to infect the White House and whoever followed him." Anybody can see that."

Equating corruption to a communicable disease is medically questionable at best but the anonymous Senator is insistent. He's also not alone. Several other Repubs have gone on record in agreement with this theory claiming that political corruption is like catching a cold and Trump caught Obama's cold. "What we should've done was disinfect the Oval Office after Obama left but we worried about the optics of that so we didn't and now we're paying the price for that decision."

Another Republican added, "Hillary's also to blame in some way." 

Sure. Why not? Hey, anybody but Trump.

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Then you want the representation of Giuliani & Barr -- Attorneys at Law.

Giuliani & Barr -- faces you can trust.

Giuliani & Barr know how to smokescreen, gaslight, distract, and misdirect to enable you with the best chances of getting away with your crimes. Should you be found out and prosecuted, Giuliani & Barr will be right there with you to obfuscate those charges and deliver to you a verdict of *Not Guilty based on insufficient evidence or reasonable doubt -- whichever works best.

So call Giuliani & Barr at 1-9.00-SCUMBAG and hire a winning team you can count on.

Unless shit goes bad then it's every man for himself.

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WHITE HOUSE PHONE PANIC RESPONSE TEAM

In the wake of the Whisrleblower scandal  White House officials have put together an emergency Presidential telephone response squad known as the White House Phone Panic Response Team or the WHOPPR Team. Now, whenever Trump makes or receives a call, a TelAlert is sounded and the team springs into action to surround the President and try to steer any conversation he's having back into safe territory if, or rather, when it goes off track.

There are three stages of TelAlert based on what kind of call is taking place. TelAlert 3 is the default and applies to calls to/from friends or family. This includes calls from Sean Hannity and Fox News in general.

TelAlert 2 applies to any calls to/from a domestic leader, any leader from any state or US commonwealth. This is an elevated alert condition but does not automatically trigger an emergency response although it can be upgraded if necessary if the President is speaking to Rudy Giuliani or William Barr.

TelAlert 1 is the automatic emergency condition and includes any calls to/from any foreign leaders with special emphasis placed on any calls to/from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mohammed bin Salman or, as of this week, the Ukraine

The team is authorized to use various levels of restraint on the President based on which

TelAlert status is in effect. These restraints run a wide range and can be as simple as a gentle nudge to more coercive moves like the "Tackle & Take" where the President is pulled to the ground and the phone is seized by a team member who tells the party on the other end that they've reached a wrong number and is then hung up. This response would've been especially useful during the President's call to Volodymyr Zelensky on Juy 25th.

WHOPPR Team members are primarily long serving military personnel who've been selected based on previous combat experience then augmented with special training in telephone intercessory techniques.

PREMATURE REDECORATION

In a decidedly premature display of naked anticipation, vice president Mike Pence was seen measuring the Oval Office for new drapes and adding a few other personal touches. He 's hung a large crucifix just over and behind the president's chair and placed a framed picture of his wife, Karen, on the desk.

Dear Lord, I really want to be president!

Asked if he didn't think he was jumping the gun just a bit, Pence stated, "I have no doubt in my mind that president Trump will be exonerated on all of these spurious charges. The Dem witch hunt to impeach this president will fail and the Lord's justice will prevail."

Asked why then did he seem to be redecorating the office with his personal things, Pence reassured us that he was simply carrying out the president's wishes. "The president has asked me to personalize the office with more  of my things to foster a greater relationship of mutual respect and cooperation."

At this point, Trump walked into the office and angrily ordered Pence to "Take all this shit down, now!"

Pence did so and placed his box of things in a corner of his office muttering to himself, "Soon."

RECIPE FOR IMPEACHMENT PIE

Ingredients:

 - 2/3 cup of sugar

 - 1/3 cup all-purpose flour

 - 1/4 teaspn ground cinnamon

 - 5 cups fresh impeaches 

  - 1 teaspn lemon juice

 - 1 deep dish pie crust

 - 1 or more violations of the Constitution and/or serious ethics violations

 - Total disregard for one's Oath of Office

 - 1 Donald Trump

Steps:

 - Pre-heat Congress to 400 dgs

 - Mix sugar, flour, and cinnamon together in a large mixing bowl then add in fresh sliced impeaches and lemon juice into crust. Add in Constitutional and ethics violations along with Donald Trump and the disregard for his Oath of Office. Crimp edges of crust. Place pie in the heat of a Democratic inquiry until top is golden brown then let stand until vote is taken and pie is good and done. 

 - Remove pie from office and serve to America and the world.

TECH TALK: MINDREADING -- THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

In this digital age new apps are released every day and most of them are useless or useful only to a target market but there are some apps that are useful to everyone no matter their age, race, gender, ethnicity or geographic location.

ThoughtSpy logo ©Punchkinsoft

One such app is nearing release. It's called ThoughtSpy -- the mindreading app.

Not possible! you're probably thinking but the truth is that this technology has been in development for years. It works this way: thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain, so once installed, you point your phone at the subject and this app reads those impulses and displays them as text on the screen of your smart phone. The result: you can read onscreen what that person is thinking.

The personal and commercial possibilities are endless. Think about all the uncertainty you could resolve. Wonder what a girl or guy really thinks about you; now you can know before you ask them out. Rejection can be a thing of the past. Sales professionals could determine which clients are most likely to close a sale. Liars and cheats are busted before they can even finish lying to you or trying to cheat you. We can finally know what people are really thinking and what their intentions really are.

This is not necessarily a good thing especially in the wrong hands and Punchkinsoft, the maker of the app, acknowledge the potential for chaos this app could bring but dismissed these concerns with their reply, "Do you know how much money we're gonna make?"

Well, then that's all that matters.

TRUMP LEGALIZES LYING BUT ONLY FOR HIMSELF

Tired of his integrity being questioned, President Trump has signed a new Executive Order  whic allows the president's version of any incident, event, ot report to supersede any other version thereby ostensibly making the truth whatever he says it is.

Look mommy, I wroted my name!

"The president has better things to do than argue with the fake news media over every little word that comes out of his mouth." said Kellyanne Conjob.  "So to obviate this issue, the president has granted himself the authority to define the truth as he sees fit. As president, it's his right to do so."

"Nobody knows better than I do about stuff." Trump said. "My brain is huge and I know best so the next person who says I'm lying about anything is breaking the law."

Uhhh, no comment.

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HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 1: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

Phone themed action for Tom.

Tom Cruise has been cast as the lead in a new big budget feature from Universal. The film is titled Call Waiting and features the Cruise missile as Frank Gage, the best customer service agent working at a digital cable company in Buffalo, NY. Gage provides top-notch customer care to the subscribers of his company's service until a call from a suicidal customer leads to tension and drama as Gage must talk the customer out of killing herself while also upselling her on a new sports package the company is promoting. Dakota Johnson plays an assistant manager much too young to find him attractive but does so anyway. The film is set for release in the Summer of 2021.

-------------------------

In more questionable casting news, Scarlett Johansson has signed on to portray...Joe Montana??

Good luck making this a man.

It's true, the Marvel master assassin who looks amazing kicking butt in skin-tight black leather will trade her dominatrix fashions for a football uniform to play the legendary quarterback in the biopic, Joe Cool for Monument Pictures. "I'm an actor. It's my job to play roles that are not myself." she explained. "I refuse to limit myself based on gender. " We get it, Scarlett, bu, c'mon, Harrison Ford isn't signing up to play Mother Teresa anytime soon. We're thinking this may not be the best idea.

We'll know is the Spring of 2022 when the film is scheduled for release.

-------------------------

This guy sucks!

German film director, and I use that term very loosely, Uwe Boll, is in active development on his next project; a film version of Adolph Hitler's 1925 autobiographical manifesto, Mein Kampf -- the book on which the Nazi Party was founded.

It would take a schlockmeister like Boll to see cinematic potential in a book that featured the lunatic rambling of a diseased mind. "I think people need this film. I'll add stuff like boobs and explosions to make it more commercial and put asses in seats." Boll assured those unconvinced of the wisdom behind this project. Does anyone really need this film? Of course the same could be asked of everything Boll has ever made.

-------------------------

Adam Sandler is making another piece of shit that co-stars his friends that can't get work from anyone else and features a script with a lot of fart jokes and a plot that doesn't matter in the least. The movie is scheduled for release whenever. Seriously, who cares?

We're not even gonna bother with a picture.

-------------------------

Can Piggy shed her Muppet image?

Miss Piggy has fired her old agency -- CAA -- and signed with a new agency -- Global Puppets Intl. -- that want to get behind her career goal to move away from The Muppets and branch out into more romantic and dramatic roles. She's currently the frontrunner for the female lead in a remake of the Shakespeare classic, Othello opposite Denzel Washington. "We taking gamble if casting her in non-muppet, non-comical, non-pig role but we believe in her talent and she committed to renewing her career in movies that are big and dramatic." said the film's producer, Cookie Monster, himself branching into his new career as a producer. "Me like Piggy. She smell like cooookies!" 

That may be but can she make a convincing Desdemona? Time will tell.

-------------------------

Sylvester Stallone just won't stop making Rocky/Rambo movies despite the fact that there's no more story to tell about either of these 80s icons. It's jut gotten sad now. Someone please tell him there's such a thing as enough already.

You're 73 now, Sly, what's next: Rocky gets a colostomy, Rambo breaks a hip?

Be done!

-------------------------

Rare photo of Weinstein with 

his penis still in his pants. 

It had to happen sooner or later, a 6-part TV miniseries is in development based on the glittering career and spectacular fall of movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein. An award winning producer, Weinstein had a habit of showing his penis to any woman he saw whether she asked for it or not and most of them didn't. He was fired by his own company in 2017 and subsequently arrested on charges of assault and rape after 80 women complained they had been attacked by the predatory appendage.

So, of course, a story this salacious demands a movie and we're gonna get one in 6 parts no less. The CBS event is scheduled for next Fall and stars John Goodman in the role of Weinstein. Goodman has lost a lot of weight over the last few years and has been asked to gain back 60lbs for the role of the rotund pervert. "It took me 40 years to lose this weight and now I have to put a third of it back on. I wouldn't do this if they weren't paying me a shitload." Goodman said.

The real Harvey Weinstein is currently out on bail and is struggling in his new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.