Capt. Crankypants

HERE CUM THE JUDGE

Another woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh of inappropriate sexual conduct from his college freshman days at Yale. This, along with several other allegations that came out during Kavanaugh's confirmation hearing in 2018, has alarmed the other Justices with whom he  shares the bench who now feel a bit uncomfortable with their newest colleague. "No one is saying he's guilty, that hasn't been established, but in light of the way these allegations keep popping up like a game of whack-a-mole, we feel that some proactive steps should be taken to protect the three female Justices in case Justice Kavanaugh's eye starts to wander in their direction." said a Justice who wished to remain anonymous.

These steps include unarmed bodyguards to stand behind each of the female Justices to intercede if necessary while each of the lady Justices will also be fit with a personal body alarm that they can set off with the push of a button, as well as a keychain can of mace.

"These precautions are in the best interests of these women although we are hopeful that they will not be needed. We trust Justice Kavanaugh will keep it in his pants. Well, we're hopeful anyway."

Justice Kavanaugh had locked himself in an executive restroom and could not be reached for comment.