PRAY YOUR TROUBLES AWAY

Seeking to put an immediate end to the impeachment inquiry into the Trump White House, Vice President Mike Pence has tapped into his Christian powers of prayer and turned to God for help. Pence has been leading daily prayer requests, beseeching the Almighty to intervene on his behalf and stop the impeachment against Trump from proceeding.

Holy Father, please protect our corruption 
and smite our Democrat persecutors.

"He prays all the time, usually for the swift passage of Republican legislation but lately there's been a lot of requests for help with the impeachment." said Dem Senator Hank Branch. "I'm not sure if he expects God to reach down and use his God powers to make us forget about impeachment or if he's hoping all the Democratic members of the House spontaneously combust but he's clearly waiting for something to take place."

So far, Pence's prayers have gone unanswered as the impeachment continues to expand with each new outrage and act of defiance coming from Trump including a written notification to the impeachment committee that the White House will not cooperate with the inquiry and branding it as unconstitutional. An unusual charge to make against a procedure outlined in the Constitution.

Regardless, Pence continues his daily entreaties certain that God will come through for him. "There will be no impeachment of this President. It's wrong and Heaven won't allow it. It's just a matter of persistence. I will continue to pray until my prayers are answered and the Power of God prevails. His will be done." Pence said.

And what if God's will is that Trump be impeached and removed and all those who were complicit are met by the full force of law?

"That is not God's will."

I guess we'll see.

PREMATURE REDECORATION

In a decidedly premature display of naked anticipation, vice president Mike Pence was seen measuring the Oval Office for new drapes and adding a few other personal touches. He 's hung a large crucifix just over and behind the president's chair and placed a framed picture of his wife, Karen, on the desk.

Dear Lord, I really want to be president!

Asked if he didn't think he was jumping the gun just a bit, Pence stated, "I have no doubt in my mind that president Trump will be exonerated on all of these spurious charges. The Dem witch hunt to impeach this president will fail and the Lord's justice will prevail."

Asked why then did he seem to be redecorating the office with his personal things, Pence reassured us that he was simply carrying out the president's wishes. "The president has asked me to personalize the office with more  of my things to foster a greater relationship of mutual respect and cooperation."

At this point, Trump walked into the office and angrily ordered Pence to "Take all this shit down, now!"

Pence did so and placed his box of things in a corner of his office muttering to himself, "Soon."

IN SEARCH OF MIKE PENCE'S BALLS

A commission has been convened to attempt to determine if vice president Mike Pence has balls and, if so, where they are. The question of Mike Pence's balls have been swirling for some time, ever since footage was aired following a 2017 Cabinet meeting when Pence, along with several other Cabinet members, unashamedly licked Trump's ass for several degrading minutes while Trump ate Pence's fawning praise with a spoon. 

The issue has once again been brought to the forefront in the wake of Pence's recent trip to Ireland where, at the president's suggestion, Pence stayed in a Trump owned property in Doonbeg which is three hours west from where Pence was meeting in Dublin. Rather than tell Trump to "Suck it. I'm not driving three hours out of my way just to stay at your golf resort." Pence exposed his lily white underbelly and agreed to his master's unreasonable request because, well, no balls.

"We are confident that vice president Pence has balls and we will be able to locate them." stated Senator Will Bunky, (R) the man appointed to head the commission. "His wife, Karen, has already testified that she has seen them on at least one prior occasion." She further confirmed that they resembled "a pair of shriveled plums.." 

Whether or not Pence's balls can be located has yet to be determined but one thing seems clear; if one is willing to take a subservient position to an ignorant, immature, ill-mannered man-child then having one's own set of balls is probably not especially useful in the performance of one's duties.