Capt. Crankypants

TOAST OF THE GODS

Something I've noticed for years are the sad and pathetic events that pass for miracles now. Reading through the bible one can't help but notice the scale of the miracles credited to God. You've got global floods, parting seas, cities razed to the ground, plagues on demand, the whole wrath of God concept is played out to maximum effect, that effect being to awe and humble mankind in the face of God's might.

God (and his posse) making stuff

What passes for a miracle these days: the image of Jesus on toast, or on a taco, or in the markings on the side of a cow, or your team winning the big game, or just some trivial personal triumph or random stroke of luck. There is a precipitous decline in the quality of God's work here.

So what happened?

What changed God from those loud, highly extroverted displays of power to something as lame as the suggestion of his kid's face on a pancake? In these wicked times one would think God would be even more pissed off at his creation for having continued to fall from grace in the same way ancient Man had. Clearly nothing was learned and mankind is as sinful and wicked as it's ever been yet God remains uncharacteristically silent.

Too silent.

One doesn't go from being the earth shaking, fire raising, water parting, plague throwing, first-born taking omnipotent madman from on high in the bible to the toast burning, bowl game winning, $50 lottery ticket buying klunker we have now. You'd have to be medicated on a Thorazine drip to mellow out that much, particularly if you wield infinite cosmic power. There can only be one reasonable explanation; none of it actually happened.

No God at all is a reasonable conclusion to draw from the overwhelming lack of activity over the last two thousand years. But Cranky's a reasonable guy so I'll give God a fair chance based on the revised terms of his miracles. If God is real, all he has to do to convince me is to burn the image of ANYONE onto my next batch of toast.

Anyone at all: Katie Couric, Bruno Mars, Al Roker, Lady GaGa, The Bee Gees, Al Pacino, Terry Bradshaw, Charles Dickens, Roberta Flack, Chelsea Handler, Queen Victoria, the L.A. Lakers, that little woman who played the psychic in Poltergeist, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, Michelangelo, Emperor Hadrian, Eminem, I mean, Hell, it could be Kermit the Frog for all I care. As long as it's a recognizable image, I'll concede I've been wrong and embrace the existence of God, I mean, GOD.

So the ball's in God's court.

Cranky's gonna go make some toast.