Capt. Crankypants

HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 1: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

Phone themed action for Tom.

Tom Cruise has been cast as the lead in a new big budget feature from Universal. The film is titled Call Waiting and features the Cruise missile as Frank Gage, the best customer service agent working at a digital cable company in Buffalo, NY. Gage provides top-notch customer care to the subscribers of his company's service until a call from a suicidal customer leads to tension and drama as Gage must talk the customer out of killing herself while also upselling her on a new sports package the company is promoting. Dakota Johnson plays an assistant manager much too young to find him attractive but does so anyway. The film is set for release in the Summer of 2021.

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In more questionable casting news, Scarlett Johansson has signed on to portray...Joe Montana??

Good luck making this a man.

It's true, the Marvel master assassin who looks amazing kicking butt in skin-tight black leather will trade her dominatrix fashions for a football uniform to play the legendary quarterback in the biopic, Joe Cool for Monument Pictures. "I'm an actor. It's my job to play roles that are not myself." she explained. "I refuse to limit myself based on gender. " We get it, Scarlett, bu, c'mon, Harrison Ford isn't signing up to play Mother Teresa anytime soon. We're thinking this may not be the best idea.

We'll know is the Spring of 2022 when the film is scheduled for release.

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This guy sucks!

German film director, and I use that term very loosely, Uwe Boll, is in active development on his next project; a film version of Adolph Hitler's 1925 autobiographical manifesto, Mein Kampf -- the book on which the Nazi Party was founded.

It would take a schlockmeister like Boll to see cinematic potential in a book that featured the lunatic rambling of a diseased mind. "I think people need this film. I'll add stuff like boobs and explosions to make it more commercial and put asses in seats." Boll assured those unconvinced of the wisdom behind this project. Does anyone really need this film? Of course the same could be asked of everything Boll has ever made.

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Adam Sandler is making another piece of shit that co-stars his friends that can't get work from anyone else and features a script with a lot of fart jokes and a plot that doesn't matter in the least. The movie is scheduled for release whenever. Seriously, who cares?

We're not even gonna bother with a picture.

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Can Piggy shed her Muppet image?

Miss Piggy has fired her old agency -- CAA -- and signed with a new agency -- Global Puppets Intl. -- that want to get behind her career goal to move away from The Muppets and branch out into more romantic and dramatic roles. She's currently the frontrunner for the female lead in a remake of the Shakespeare classic, Othello opposite Denzel Washington. "We taking gamble if casting her in non-muppet, non-comical, non-pig role but we believe in her talent and she committed to renewing her career in movies that are big and dramatic." said the film's producer, Cookie Monster, himself branching into his new career as a producer. "Me like Piggy. She smell like cooookies!" 

That may be but can she make a convincing Desdemona? Time will tell.

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Sylvester Stallone just won't stop making Rocky/Rambo movies despite the fact that there's no more story to tell about either of these 80s icons. It's jut gotten sad now. Someone please tell him there's such a thing as enough already.

You're 73 now, Sly, what's next: Rocky gets a colostomy, Rambo breaks a hip?

Be done!

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Rare photo of Weinstein with 

his penis still in his pants. 

It had to happen sooner or later, a 6-part TV miniseries is in development based on the glittering career and spectacular fall of movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein. An award winning producer, Weinstein had a habit of showing his penis to any woman he saw whether she asked for it or not and most of them didn't. He was fired by his own company in 2017 and subsequently arrested on charges of assault and rape after 80 women complained they had been attacked by the predatory appendage.

So, of course, a story this salacious demands a movie and we're gonna get one in 6 parts no less. The CBS event is scheduled for next Fall and stars John Goodman in the role of Weinstein. Goodman has lost a lot of weight over the last few years and has been asked to gain back 60lbs for the role of the rotund pervert. "It took me 40 years to lose this weight and now I have to put a third of it back on. I wouldn't do this if they weren't paying me a shitload." Goodman said.

The real Harvey Weinstein is currently out on bail and is struggling in his new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.