HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 2: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

A remake of the tension filled 1957 courtroom drama 12 Angry Men is currently in development but with a twist -- it's being turned into a comedy.

Yeah, that's how we all feel about your movies.

You heard that right. Adam Sandler (who else) is producing and starring in the ill conceived remake through his shit factory, Happy Madison Productions. The original film starred Henry Fonda and a stellar cast of actors, all of whom delivered bravura performances in a film that has justifiably achieved classic status. So, naturally, Sandler wants to take a big wet dump all over it and turn it into a "comedy" of pop culture references, product placement, and fart jokes.

Co-starring all the SNL rejects he always hires, this cinematic abortion will be dumped into theaters in the Fall of 2021.

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Comedian turned horror movie auteur, Jordan Peele is hard at work on the screenplay of his next project, Black as Hell.

He's funny. He's scary. He's black. He's Jordan Peele.

Little is known about the script but word is that it tells the story of a black man who dies, goes to Hell and stirs up racial unrest when he's cast into the Lake of Fire surrounded by Neo-Nazis, Skinheads, and members of the KKK who are already burning there.  Things get even more heated after the black man meets and falls in love with the condemned soul of a white woman. The couple find an unlikely ally in the soul of Fred Trump (Donald's dad) who has apparently mellowed somewhat on his rampant racism since he bit the big one.

Racial tension is a common thread in Peele's work and given the quality of his previous films expectations will be high for this picture.

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Meryl Streep has signed on to provide one of the voices in the all star CG animated production of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

Streep will play a box of Tagalongs that wants to run for President of the fictional world of Cookieland. She is aided by her staff of friends: her running mate, a box of Do-Si-Do's voiced by Mindy Kaling, her campaign manager, a box of Samoas voiced by Dwayne Johnson, her PR rep, a box of Thin Mints voiced by Billy Bob Thornton, and her legal counsel, a box of Savannah Sniles voiced by celebrity chef, Paula Deen. The cookies are trying to be stopped by the Keebler Elves who want to run their Girl Scout cookie knockoffs: a box of Coconut Dreams for President voiced by Harrison Ford and his running mate, a box of Grasshoppers voiced by Anne Hathaway.

The edible cast of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

The picture is a co-production between Monument Studios, the Girl Scouts of America, and Keebler Foods® and is basically just a 90 minute ad for cookies masquerading as a family film.

Personally, I recommend you just buy some cookies and forget the movie.

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An all-female remake of the classic Stanley Kubrick war film, Full Metal Jacket is in development with Amy Schumer and Rebel Wilson attached in the iconic roles of Joker and Gomer Pyle. 

This guy wants to make a war movie

with a cast of comediennes.

This is a truly weird idea that could only have come from the mind of Paul Feig, the "visionary" behind the disastrous all-female Ghostbusters remake of 2016. The part of the uber-profane Gunnery Sargeant Hartman will be played by Melissa McCarthy, a frequent Feig collaborator.

Get ready for a lot of charges of misogyny if you don't like the film and the odds are pretty good you won't. Remaking any film is always a gamble but when you're remaking a classic the stakes go way up as the film will inevitibly be compared to the original so unless you've come up with a way to make a perfect film better, you're gonna suffer by comparison. This is what happened with his Ghostbusters remake -- he remade a movie that couldn't have been made any better than it already was. He's now flirting with a repeat of that same mistake.

Feig is writing and will direct the film. Why? Because apparently he hasn't learned his lesson yet.

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Russian supermodel, Tatiana, will make her big screen debut as the love interest of ex-Wolverine, Hugh Jackman, in the big screen adaptation of the New York Times bestselling espionage thriller, Up Your Fudge. Yeah, we know, that title makes no sense but neither does casting a supermodel who can't act and barely speaks English.

Hopefully Jackman will play most of his scenes with his shirt off or there'll be nothing to save this one.

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Finally...

We all know Helen Keller is an icon of the strength of the human spirit. We al know the story of how she overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles being blind, deaf, and mute to become a college graduate, author, activist, and teacher but did you know she was also abducted by aliens?

Water. Water, Helen. Waaaater.

That's right. In 1938 while she was outside making up funny names for different parts of her body, she was taken up by an alien spacecraft where she was subjected to  "Unspeakable experiments in science against my person." as she described it.

This little known event is being examined in detail in a new documentary, Helen Keller's Alien Anal Probe. In an amazing casting coup, the part of Miss Keller will be played by Jodie Foster. The broadcast will be treated as a special event with lots of commercial interruptions to help cover the cost of hiring an Oscar-winning actress to play the lead in a television documentary.

The program will air on Discovery this Winter.

HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 1: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

Phone themed action for Tom.

Tom Cruise has been cast as the lead in a new big budget feature from Universal. The film is titled Call Waiting and features the Cruise missile as Frank Gage, the best customer service agent working at a digital cable company in Buffalo, NY. Gage provides top-notch customer care to the subscribers of his company's service until a call from a suicidal customer leads to tension and drama as Gage must talk the customer out of killing herself while also upselling her on a new sports package the company is promoting. Dakota Johnson plays an assistant manager much too young to find him attractive but does so anyway. The film is set for release in the Summer of 2021.

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In more questionable casting news, Scarlett Johansson has signed on to portray...Joe Montana??

Good luck making this a man.

It's true, the Marvel master assassin who looks amazing kicking butt in skin-tight black leather will trade her dominatrix fashions for a football uniform to play the legendary quarterback in the biopic, Joe Cool for Monument Pictures. "I'm an actor. It's my job to play roles that are not myself." she explained. "I refuse to limit myself based on gender. " We get it, Scarlett, bu, c'mon, Harrison Ford isn't signing up to play Mother Teresa anytime soon. We're thinking this may not be the best idea.

We'll know is the Spring of 2022 when the film is scheduled for release.

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This guy sucks!

German film director, and I use that term very loosely, Uwe Boll, is in active development on his next project; a film version of Adolph Hitler's 1925 autobiographical manifesto, Mein Kampf -- the book on which the Nazi Party was founded.

It would take a schlockmeister like Boll to see cinematic potential in a book that featured the lunatic rambling of a diseased mind. "I think people need this film. I'll add stuff like boobs and explosions to make it more commercial and put asses in seats." Boll assured those unconvinced of the wisdom behind this project. Does anyone really need this film? Of course the same could be asked of everything Boll has ever made.

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Adam Sandler is making another piece of shit that co-stars his friends that can't get work from anyone else and features a script with a lot of fart jokes and a plot that doesn't matter in the least. The movie is scheduled for release whenever. Seriously, who cares?

We're not even gonna bother with a picture.

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Can Piggy shed her Muppet image?

Miss Piggy has fired her old agency -- CAA -- and signed with a new agency -- Global Puppets Intl. -- that want to get behind her career goal to move away from The Muppets and branch out into more romantic and dramatic roles. She's currently the frontrunner for the female lead in a remake of the Shakespeare classic, Othello opposite Denzel Washington. "We taking gamble if casting her in non-muppet, non-comical, non-pig role but we believe in her talent and she committed to renewing her career in movies that are big and dramatic." said the film's producer, Cookie Monster, himself branching into his new career as a producer. "Me like Piggy. She smell like cooookies!" 

That may be but can she make a convincing Desdemona? Time will tell.

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Sylvester Stallone just won't stop making Rocky/Rambo movies despite the fact that there's no more story to tell about either of these 80s icons. It's jut gotten sad now. Someone please tell him there's such a thing as enough already.

You're 73 now, Sly, what's next: Rocky gets a colostomy, Rambo breaks a hip?

Be done!

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Rare photo of Weinstein with 

his penis still in his pants. 

It had to happen sooner or later, a 6-part TV miniseries is in development based on the glittering career and spectacular fall of movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein. An award winning producer, Weinstein had a habit of showing his penis to any woman he saw whether she asked for it or not and most of them didn't. He was fired by his own company in 2017 and subsequently arrested on charges of assault and rape after 80 women complained they had been attacked by the predatory appendage.

So, of course, a story this salacious demands a movie and we're gonna get one in 6 parts no less. The CBS event is scheduled for next Fall and stars John Goodman in the role of Weinstein. Goodman has lost a lot of weight over the last few years and has been asked to gain back 60lbs for the role of the rotund pervert. "It took me 40 years to lose this weight and now I have to put a third of it back on. I wouldn't do this if they weren't paying me a shitload." Goodman said.

The real Harvey Weinstein is currently out on bail and is struggling in his new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.