BREAKING NEWS: CLIMATE SCIENCE  IS NOT REAL

A groundbreaking new report issued by the Organization for Climate Science Denial proposes that not only is climate change not real, but that climate science itself is a hoax as well. "People have been claiming that climate change is real for years based on the findings of climate science but we've discovered that climate science is a fraud based on no real science at all." said Milo Smegma, a spokesman for the OCSD. "This is a game changer." Mr. Smegma continued. "Now we can deny climate change with even greater certainty than ever before."

"Totally made up!" - Milo Smegma

When asked to outline the science that supports his claims, Mr. Smegma said, "So there's the climate and people say that the storms are bigger and more frequent, the temperature is rising and the world is getting hotter, the polar icecaps are melting, based on this people start crying it's the climate change boogeyman! We have to stop it or we're all gonna die! It's panicky and uncalled for."

When pressed for the actual science that disproves climate science, Mr. Smegma replied, "It's clear that there is no science at work here. Climate change is a hoax meant to curtail oil production and the burning of reliable fossil fuels. These are resources the world needs and this misguided left-wing effort to demonize their production and use is a load of tree-hugger hooey!"

When it was pointed out that none of this appears to have any scientific backing to support it, Mr. Smegma responded, "Science isn't necessary where the truth is obvious. Do we need science to tell us that water is wet, or that snow is cold? These are obvious truths like climate change being a hoax. So if climate change is an obvious hoax then any science that supports it is clearly a hoax as well."

When asked for his credentials as spokesman for the OCSD, Mr. Smegma replied, "I have a PhD in common sense from the University of Lifelong Experience and I have the clarity of thought that my conservative values provide me."

We're calling this actual fake news.

A BRIEF INTERVIEW WITH HURRICANE DORIAN

Despite still being an active storm, Hurricane Dorian took some time out from his busy schedule to answer a few questions.

Q. Dorian, have you been enjoying your tour of the Atlantic islands and coastline?
HD. It's been an interesting trip. I've seen a lot of different places and done a variety of damage to them.

Dorian humping the Florida coastline.

Q. You really hammered the Bahamas. Why did you spend so much time there?
HD. The Bahamas are beautiful and I wanted to look around while I was there but I should've been more aware that hanging around that long was going to create a lot of problems for them. I probably owe the Bahamas an apology for that.

Q. An apology? That's not enough. You devastated the islands, people are dead, lives are in ruin. Couldn't you have shown them some mercy?
HD.  Maybe. I don't know. I'm a hurricane. Hurricanes are assholes It's in our nature..

Q. President Trump was very confused about what path you were going to take and claimed you had Alabama square in your sights. Did you, at any time, plan on hitting Alabama?
HD. Yeah, I''ve heard about the Sharpie thing. No. At no time was Alabama on my itinerary. Hurricanes plan these trips out in detail ahead of time and the NWS does their best to speculate on what route we're going to take but they're professionals. Trump is just a dumbass. People really ought to stop listening to him.

Q. Are you about finished pummeling America's Eastern seaboard?
HD. Not quite, I have some more damage to do but eventually I'll be heading back out to sea where I'll weaken and fall apart.

Q. You won't be missed.
HD. Hurricanes never are. 

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hurricane Dorian is headed this-a-way and he's got everyone all upset over how bad he's gonna ef everybody up. Will he be a cat-1, a cat-2, a cat-3, nobody knows for sure but one thing is certain, he's gonna drop the entire state of Florida into the magical land of Oz.

Should I stay and ride it out or turn tail and go hide in a hotel where they have generators cuz sure as Charmin is the softest TP there is, the power is going to go out. The question is; for how long? Cranky is not a manly man, he needs power to run his TV, his vibrating massage gizmo, and to keep his beer cold. I do not have the pioneer moxie that laughs in the face of adversity. I just curl up into a ball and wet myself.

I stocked up on snack cakes and cherry cola and a few other necessities and noticed that there was no water left. The water aisle was empty! This happens every time there's a hurricane; people go nuts making sure they have enough water. This always makes Cranky laugh. If there's one thing there's no shortage of in a hurricane, it's water. It's literally raining down from the sky by the ton. If you're thirsty go stand outside with your mouth open.

Dorian will be here in a few days. I guess I have that much longer to live. What a shame. I only just started this blog.  :*(