THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAIT

So we can all remember Trump's time as the President of the United States.

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU WON'T

President Donald Trump has made a brilliant discovery that, once applied, will reduce the number of confirmed coronavirus cases down to a trickle.  This is great news in light of the current surge that has brought much of the reopening efforts to a halt in the wake of all the new cases that have been identified since these premature reopening efforts were begun...prematurely.

Trump has determined that the spike in new cases is the result of too much testing, a simple and obvious fact that none of the medical professionals on Trump's advisory staff managed to see. Basically, his logic works like this -- if we don't test so much, we won't confirm so many new cases and that will bring our number of confirmed cases way down and he'll look better going into re-election.

Is this the face of genius? Let's hope not.

"It was a brilliant realization. How did we miss it?" said Sen. (R) Louie Gohmert. "The man makes me proud to deny reality." Sen. (R) Lindsey Graham added. The implications for this reach far beyond the COVID-19 problem, it could be applied to any situation that we don't like and want to deny: foreign policy, taxation police brutality -- it works with anything to make it look better.  "If you ignore it, it can't hurt you." Vice President Mike Pence said, summarizing the President's plan. "Serving this genius President has been the honor of my life. I almost wish he had kidney disease so I could donate a kidney to him."

Trump's support base were quick to give their marmalade messiah the credit they felt he deserved. "He's the most smartest man who's ever lived!" one supporter enthused. "I wish I was a woman so I could have his baby!" 

Everyone is eagerly anticipating much lower numbers to soon follow as Trump's plan of 'if we ignore it, it'll go away' is implemented.

TRUMP RALLY ATTENDED BY THOUSANDS OF EMPTY SEATS

This past Saturday night, the marmalade colored monkey held his hotly anticipated return to form as the centerpiece of the ego feeding frenzy known as the Trump rally where he stands center stage grinning like a gargoyle while thousands of undiagnosed mental defectives cheer him on.

This was to be Trump's night -- a display of his popularity unaffected by the COVID pandemic. Trump and his toadies boasted up to 1M people had inquired about tix to the event and they anticipated a sell-out crowd inside the venue with a secondary sell-out crowd in the overflow seating area as well.

Then reality kicked Trump in the nads.

Every empty seat was mocking Trump, belittling his
manhood and calling him a loser.

With a total turnout of a mere 6200 out of a possible 20,000, the message was clear: We still love you, Lord and Master Donald  but we're not getting sick just to hear your self-serving message and lame attempts at making a joke.

I don't believe for one moment that Trump has lost that much support, something else was in play that discouraged attendance beyond even the thousands of TikTok teens that punk'd Trump's campaign staff with thousands of fake ticket requests -- I've never been more proud of America's youth.

In the end, I believe it was the virus that kept the Trumpanzees in their homes. So don't get too complacent by the spectacular failure that was the Trump rally in Tulsa. Hysterical though that was, we can't stop  fighting against this insect til he's truly squashed in November.

INDIANA JONES AND THE SEARCH FOR TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS

LucasFilm Ltd. has announced the start of production on their latest Indiana Jones adventure as the intrepid archeologist and heroic cinematic icon goes in search of his most elusive treasure yet, Donald Trump's tax returns.

Indiana Jones heroism versus 

Washington, DC corruption!

"Trump's tax returns are buried deeper than the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail so who's more qualified than Dr. Jones to find them?" asked the film's Executive Producer, George Lucas. "We were going to craft a story around a search for the toolbox of Joseph of Aramethea but this has so much more potential for action and adventure and is certainly more timely." he added.

The film will star Harrison Ford in the title role with Steven Spielberg sitting in the director's chair and is expected to be the final installment of the epic Indiana Jones saga.

"We're capping off the run of this franchise with Indy's most challenging quest yet. The stakes are high and Trump and his Republican cronies will be out to stop Indy any way they can, It's gonna be a nailbiter. Harrison is pumped to make the film and so am I." Spielberg enthused.

The film is expected to land in theaters around the same time as Trump starts his prison term for corruption and tax fraud.

IT'S PAT!

In the aftermath of Trump's devastating public humiliation getting booed last week at Game 5 of the World Series, the White House has added an additional seven people to the President's Personal Approval Team. The PAT members are selected from among the President's base and are pro-Trump to the point of obsessive. Their responsibility is to stroke the President's ego at all times over anything he does regardless of how trivial it may be.

PAT Team Logo

The team trails behind the President all throughout the White House and cheer and clap at whatever he does or says. When the brushes his teeth, they cheer and applaud. When he signs a document, they cheer and applaud. When he makes a boom-boom, they cheer and applaud. They're on call 24/7 and no "accomplishment" is too insignificant to be ignored.  He once dropped a pen and picked it up to a standing ovation from the team.

"The President accomplishes so much every day: he signs his name, he eats his lunch, he ties his shoes and everything he does is praiseworthy. He rightfully expects to be praised and I'm so proud to be one of those selected to provide all that well earned adulation." said LuAnn Plopp, one of the ardent Trump supporters chosen for the team.

Team members are chosen from registered Republican voters who submit an application then submit to a background check, the semi-finalists are interviewed, vetted, then must meet with Trump for 5 mins. If he gives his approval, the candidate is offered the job typically within six weeks. Competition for a place on the team is fierce among his base and those chosen compare it to an almost religious experience.

"It's like how the disciples must have felt serving Jesus." said Charles Bauerchuk, another team member..

"I love my PATties. They're doing a tremendous, just a tremendous job. The best. They love me. They love their country. They 're just great, especially the one with the big tits." Trump enthused.

The "one with the big tits" is Choir Melange, and ex-pole dancer turned die-hard Trump supporter who made the team in the last round of selections after Trump interviewed her for 10 secs and replied "I want her." She was hired on the spot. She sums up her feelings for the job like this; "I would die for him. I want him to eat my spleen so we can always be a part of each other."

Sooooo yeah.

HERE'S AN INTERESTING THOUGHT

All Presidents get a library and museum for the display and preservation of their papers, records, and historical materials. No matter how disastrous a presidency is, he or she is going to get a library for having been President even if he or she gets impeached or even removed.

Which means Trump will get a library. Trump will.

What will Trump's contribution to the Presidential library system possibly be? Started in 1939 by FDR, all Presidents, even the bad ones, have contributed their historic documents to this system. Trump is an interesting case in that he neither reads nor writes anything and limits himself to about a 16-hour work week so apart from a bunch of self-serving Executive Orders that he signed and held up to the camera like a child proudly displaying a finger painting, I'm uncertain what the Donald Trump library is going to consist of other than just to be a repository of his corruption, stupidity, and lies, and possibly the Fox News program schedule and 1000 back issues of Hustler magazine he's been collecting since the mid 70's.

Henry Bemis on his appointment as 

Director of the Trump Library

I find it ironically amusing that a man who hates books and refuses to read anything will have a library named after him. While we're at it, why not create a class in business ethics and marital fidelity under his name as well and make them a college pre-requisite?

Makes just as much sense.

TRUMPLAND THEME PARK IN DEVELOPMENT

Taking their cue from all the fun and adventure that is the Trump administration, FlubbCo Inc., a Chigago based entertainment company specializing in immersive family friendly experiences is currently in the design stage of a new theme park that will cater to the feverish and irrational love President Trump's base has for the embattled 45th Commander-in-Chief -- Trumpland.

The company pitched the project to Trump after a $70,000 donation to his re-election campaign. The President loved the idea and signed off on it committing to a budget of $1.7B in government funding for the project approved by Trump himself who redirected the money from Medicare, Social Security and the VA to pay for the park.

Trumpland Concept Art

"Trumpland will be a fun for the whole family kind of experience. A Donald Trump Disneyland, so to speak. It will feature shops, restaurants and plenty of rides that will put our guests right inside the carnival-like atmosphere of the Trump administration." said Rex Bletch, a public relations spokesman for FlubbCo. "We're going to give the Trump support base a unique and memorable odyssey into President Trump if President Trump were a theme park."

The park will open with 23 rides that include:

 - The Poller Coaster -- Like Trump's poll numbers this rollercoaster has peaks and drops but none of them are very big. It's about 38% of a good rollercoaster ride. It's not very exciting but it's reliable.

 - The Tweeter-Totter - A thrilling ride that sends guests spinning and revolving across multiple axes of motion while random Trump tweets are displayed on screens positioned around the ride.

 - Whack-a-Dem - Modeled after its namesake, WaD puts guests in control of a laser rifle that activates a hammer when the bullseye is hit and brings the hammer down on effigies of prominent Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and, of course, AOC among many others.

 - The 2nd Amendment Shooting Gallery - Pick up an AR-15 and aim for the the blue circles on the protesters at an anti-Trump rally on a hi-res display. The more you kill, the more you score. Pick off more than 100 anti-Trumpers and win a Certificate of Achievement. Sponsored by the NRA.

 - Space Force: Space Combat Adventure -- Board a Space Force Fighter and launch into a pitched battle against an army of Democrats armed with blasters trying to block funding for the much needed Space Force. Fight your way to full funding by eliminating the Democrat hordes.

There will be plenty of Trump merchandise and restaurants serving Trump's favorite foods so expect lots of McDonald's and KFC to fill those rumbling tummies.

The park is scheduled to open in Nashville, TN in the Summer of 2024 or as Trump puts it "Near the end of my second term and close to the start of my third."

DIGGING IN THE DIRT

President Trump's been a busy bee of late, focusing almost obsessively on digging up as much dirt as he can on his chief Dem rival, Joe Biden. He's not letting anything stop him, least of all some pesky impeachment inquiry. Even as his presidency is crumbling around him , he is focused on his re-election and he needs dirt on Biden. Lots of dirt and he doesn't care where he gets it.  Trump is, if nothing else, fully committed to his corruption. So much so that although he's already getting help from Russia, Ukraine, and he's hoping from China too, he now wants to expand his search for dirt on Biden by engaging the help of everyone no matter who they are. So even if you don't have vast sums of money to give to his campaign, you can still help Donald Trump in his quest for a second (and maybe a third) term.

How? Easy. Dirt. Any kind of dirt.

Trump's strategy for victory in 2020

Are you a waitress that served Biden a meal and he didn't leave a tip or maybe he undertipped you? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you a doorman who didn't receive a thank you from Biden after holding the door open for him? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you a Girl Scout who tried to sell Biden a box of Samoas and he declined to make the purchase? Trump wants to hear from you.

Are you anyone at all who ever overheard Biden complain about the weather, or traffic or anything? Trump wants to hear from you.

Trump's search for dirt is his prime concern even moreso than the impeachment. He's got plenty of people and an entire right-wing news channel willing to help him beat that and when he does, he'll need that dirt.

Donald Trump LOVES dirt. Donald Trump WANTS dirt. Donald Trump NEEDS dirt.

Donald Trump IS dirt.

GOP SENATOR: TRUMP'S CORRUPTION IS OBAMA'S FAULT

Mired in the scandal of President Trump's Ukraine phonecall and the impeachment inquiry resulting from it, one Repub Senator wants it understood that Trump is merely a victim in this and that the real blame belongs to former President Barack Obama.

Democrat Corruption Virus?

"This whole thing is a Dem conspiracy to lay the blame for Obama's corruption at the feet of an innocent President Trump. I'm outraged by these brazen machinations to smear our President with the malfeasance of the previous administration!" said one Republican Senator who wished to remain anonymous but whose name may or may not rhyme with Tinsley Braham.

When asked to explain how former President Obama is responsible for a crime committed by current President Trump, the GOP Senator stated, "Look, it's obvious. Obama was the most corrupt and deceitful man ever to sit in the Oval Office so, of course, the molecules and  microbes of his corruption were left behind to infect the White House and whoever followed him." Anybody can see that."

Equating corruption to a communicable disease is medically questionable at best but the anonymous Senator is insistent. He's also not alone. Several other Repubs have gone on record in agreement with this theory claiming that political corruption is like catching a cold and Trump caught Obama's cold. "What we should've done was disinfect the Oval Office after Obama left but we worried about the optics of that so we didn't and now we're paying the price for that decision."

Another Republican added, "Hillary's also to blame in some way." 

Sure. Why not? Hey, anybody but Trump.

WHITE HOUSE PHONE PANIC RESPONSE TEAM

In the wake of the Whisrleblower scandal  White House officials have put together an emergency Presidential telephone response squad known as the White House Phone Panic Response Team or the WHOPPR Team. Now, whenever Trump makes or receives a call, a TelAlert is sounded and the team springs into action to surround the President and try to steer any conversation he's having back into safe territory if, or rather, when it goes off track.

There are three stages of TelAlert based on what kind of call is taking place. TelAlert 3 is the default and applies to calls to/from friends or family. This includes calls from Sean Hannity and Fox News in general.

TelAlert 2 applies to any calls to/from a domestic leader, any leader from any state or US commonwealth. This is an elevated alert condition but does not automatically trigger an emergency response although it can be upgraded if necessary if the President is speaking to Rudy Giuliani or William Barr.

TelAlert 1 is the automatic emergency condition and includes any calls to/from any foreign leaders with special emphasis placed on any calls to/from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mohammed bin Salman or, as of this week, the Ukraine

The team is authorized to use various levels of restraint on the President based on which

TelAlert status is in effect. These restraints run a wide range and can be as simple as a gentle nudge to more coercive moves like the "Tackle & Take" where the President is pulled to the ground and the phone is seized by a team member who tells the party on the other end that they've reached a wrong number and is then hung up. This response would've been especially useful during the President's call to Volodymyr Zelensky on Juy 25th.

WHOPPR Team members are primarily long serving military personnel who've been selected based on previous combat experience then augmented with special training in telephone intercessory techniques.

TRUMP LEGALIZES LYING BUT ONLY FOR HIMSELF

Tired of his integrity being questioned, President Trump has signed a new Executive Order  whic allows the president's version of any incident, event, ot report to supersede any other version thereby ostensibly making the truth whatever he says it is.

Look mommy, I wroted my name!

"The president has better things to do than argue with the fake news media over every little word that comes out of his mouth." said Kellyanne Conjob.  "So to obviate this issue, the president has granted himself the authority to define the truth as he sees fit. As president, it's his right to do so."

"Nobody knows better than I do about stuff." Trump said. "My brain is huge and I know best so the next person who says I'm lying about anything is breaking the law."

Uhhh, no comment.

STANDARDIZED PESIDENTIAL LETTER OF CONDOLENCE

The president is a busy man and, as such, can't be expected to compose a personalized letter of condolence for every notable death that makes the headlines. To address this, a standard letter of condolence has been drafted that will be tweeted as called for.

--------------------------

From the Desk of President Donald J. Trump

I'm saddened to hear that (NAME) has died. (NAME) was a good person but could've been nicer to me. (NAME) spent his/her career doing good work as a (OCCUPATION) without peer but would it have killed him/her to pay me a compliment or two along the way?

While death is sad and painful we must always remember that it's all part of God's great plan and (NAME) will now enjoy an eternity in Heaven. Unless (NAME) was an atheist and is burning in Hell. I would've prayed for their soul had (NAME) treated me with greater respect in life.

THE TOUGHEST JOB IN THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE

In administrations past it might have been speculated the toughest job to be the President but as we all know, Trump has hours and hours of Executive Time each day to lay around and watch cable news, tweet endlessly on whatever random mind-burp seizes the bowl of lukewarm tapioca he calls a brain and hydrate himself with Diet Cokes until he's sweating Aspartame so that's certainly not the hardest job anymore.

Okay, who resigned or got canned this week?

It might have been thought to be Chief of Staff -- a position that overlooks the activity of everyone employed in the White House. This person has to make sure that everyone else is doing their job so there's a lot of responsibility there to be sure but, still, no, that's not it either.

Could it be the Press Secretary? This person has to interpret the President's words so that they can be understood by all. This is critically important since the slightest miscommunication could impact the country in various ways such as the stock market, the economy, national security...but, nahh. Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders spent so much time lying, spinning and generally mangling the truth that the argument could be made that we never actually got to hear any of it anyway.

How about Vice President -- c'mon, let's be real.

Okay, then what is the toughest job in the Trump White House, smartass? Cranky can hear you asking. Well, I'll tell ya...

It's the person who has to keep track of the personnel files. The one who keeps current all the names of those who work at the WH and then no longer work at the WH. This person's job is never done because Trump can't get along with anyone. No one stays employed there very long either because people eventually get tired of his shit or he fires them for whatever reason he comes up with. As I write this, Trump has been President for less than three years and in that time he's gone through 38 top-level executives -- all people who were either fired or resigned.

Were all of these people incompetent at their jobs? Well, most of them were dreadful people that only an idiot like Trump would've hired in the first place. Names like Scaramucci, Spicer, Banon, Pruitt, Omarosa, Porter, Flynn, Sessions, Acosta, and Bolton to name a few. These were bottom of the barrel selections but some others were people with very impressive resume's and personal integrity who simply couldn't work with Trumpty-Dumpty no matter how hard they tried. People like Mattis, Kelly, Rosenstein, Comey, NcMaster, Yates, and McCabe -- the people who tried to be the adults in the room but just couldn't control the spoiled rotten child that was in charge.

So this poor, overworked administrative foot soldier, whomever he or she may be, has to endlessly revise these personnel files with each new firing or resignation and with each new warm body that comes in to replace them but who will inevitably be following them out the door as well. This person's job is never finished and never will be so long as President Dumbass is in office.

I hope he or she just looks at it as job security, at least until Trump gets around to firing them too.

FUTURE TRUMP SCANDALS

Since the Cheetoh in Chief can't go 10 mins without a scandal here's just a few Cranky predicts will detonate at some point before this one-term shitshow mercifully comes to an end..

What stupid looks like.

 - Trump will be photographed tweeting on the toilet in the George W. Bush Memorial Bathroom while he's calling some congresswoman a "3 at best." 

 - Trump will be caught masturbating to a picture of Ivanka. 

 - Trump will pitch a reality show concept where cameras follow him day and night being president. He calls the show Greatest President Ever! The show airs only on Fox News. 

 - Trump gives the commencement address at Tuskegee University and tells the graduates they need to learn how to sound more white and exclusively vote Republican to better their chances at success. 

 - Trumpp is video-recorded being teabagged by Putin and calling him "daddy." 

 - Trump will be caught masturbating to a different picture of Ivanka. Ivanka takes out a restraining order prohibiting her father from coming within 100' of any photos of her. 

 - Trump demands his daily briefings be presented to him in the form of a coloring book that a subordinate actually has to color for him.

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT FROM THE NWS

Dear Mr. President,

We leave it to you to lie to the citizenry, embarrass us on the world stage, pass $trillion tax giveaways for corporations and the richest 1% of Americans, misappropriate funding for your silly wall,, serve Vladimir Putin's will, destroy healthcare, and be an idiot man-child in the White House if you leave it to us to predict the weather.

Agreed?

Sincerely,

 - The National Weather Service

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT FROM SHARPIE

Dear Mr. President,

Please do not use our products to lie to the people of America. We manufacture our line of Sharpie products with great pride and do not appreciate it when they are purchased for dubious purposes. Please refrain in the future from using our quality products for anything this fucking stupid again.

Thank you,

 - All of us at Sharpie

WORLD LEADERS TO HOLD 'NO TRUMP ALLOWED' SUMMIT

After yet another typically disastrous appearance at the recent G7 Summit in France, Trump-weary world leaders have agreed that they need a break from the USA's Cheetoh-in-Chief and have arranged for a summit meeting to be held in Switzerland this Fall that Trump is specifically not invited to attend.

"Dear God, how much more of this can we stand?" asked a visibly exhausted Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. "If I have to shake his hand one more time and pretend I'm not speaking to a lunatic with a grade school education, I'm going to scream."
"Ja wohl." agreed Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkle. "He keeps telling me I'm only a two. What does that even mean?" she asked.

Asked if they were concerned about the optics of not inviting America's leader to a gathering of world leaders, Trudeau said, "We figure if no one tells him, he won't even notice. If someone does tell him, we'll call it fake news. He'll believe that."

When asked what the issues for discussion were going to be, it was stated that it would just be two days of everyone bitching about Trump. "It's a pressure release we need after two and a half years of dealing with that madman."

We completely understand.

IN SEARCH OF MIKE PENCE'S BALLS

A commission has been convened to attempt to determine if vice president Mike Pence has balls and, if so, where they are. The question of Mike Pence's balls have been swirling for some time, ever since footage was aired following a 2017 Cabinet meeting when Pence, along with several other Cabinet members, unashamedly licked Trump's ass for several degrading minutes while Trump ate Pence's fawning praise with a spoon. 

The issue has once again been brought to the forefront in the wake of Pence's recent trip to Ireland where, at the president's suggestion, Pence stayed in a Trump owned property in Doonbeg which is three hours west from where Pence was meeting in Dublin. Rather than tell Trump to "Suck it. I'm not driving three hours out of my way just to stay at your golf resort." Pence exposed his lily white underbelly and agreed to his master's unreasonable request because, well, no balls.

"We are confident that vice president Pence has balls and we will be able to locate them." stated Senator Will Bunky, (R) the man appointed to head the commission. "His wife, Karen, has already testified that she has seen them on at least one prior occasion." She further confirmed that they resembled "a pair of shriveled plums.." 

Whether or not Pence's balls can be located has yet to be determined but one thing seems clear; if one is willing to take a subservient position to an ignorant, immature, ill-mannered man-child then having one's own set of balls is probably not especially useful in the performance of one's duties. 

SO...TRUMP

Cranky has a question; what the actual ef is wrong with this guy?

Trump's brain hurts.

Did someone hide his meds? Is his mind being consumed by a Jovian brain slug? Seriously, Cranky wants an answer; what is his problem?? Normal thinking people don't behave this way. Normal thinking people are a combination of good and bad impulses. You strive to maximize the good and minimize the bad. Not Trump. His only instincts are all bad. He never chooses the right thing under any circumstances.

Give you an example. If Trump came upon a dog that had been struck by a car and was lying on the side of the road, whimpering, in pain, needing help, select what Trump would most likely do from this list of options:

A- Keep driving and pay it no mind
B- Stop, look, shrug his shoulders then keep driving
C- Stop, get out, piss on its head then keep driving
D- Run over it again as he drove past then flip it the bird
E- Stop, take the animal to a vet and stay with it
F- Anything but E

I've lost count of all the messed up sh*t he's done because it gets added to every day. There's no end to it. He's a liar, cheat, and swindler in an ill-fitting suit and a bad rug. He's achieved a level of corruption that Cranky didn't think was even possible. It would be impressive if it weren't so f**ked up.

And the tweeting! The goddamn idiotic tweeting! Enough already! The Trump administration has made Crany very cranky. We need to regain some measure of normalcy or I'm just gonna have to close myself up into a box til this is over.