Cranky likes movies. He's seen a lot of them over the years and here's where I'll tell you what I think of them. I'll include a lotta my favorites and some of my favorites are actually pretty bad because even bad movies can be good. Let's start with some of the best ones and work our way through. These movies have all been out for years and years so spoilers!
Besides if you ain't seen these movies yet it's your own damn fault.
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Besides if you ain't seen these movies yet it's your own damn fault.
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-- GONE WITH THE WIND --
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| Why is Rhett's hair so shiny? |
Understand?
And awaaay we go!
The movie opens on a party where spoiled rotten southern belle Scarlett is cock-teasing a bunch of horny youngsters all wanting to plant their flag in her rich soil. Scarlett's playing like she's in the mood but she really has eyes only for a skinny British-sounding weenie named Ashley. Ashley likes him some Scarlett but he's already betrothed (that means engaged) to a doormat named Melanie. Poor Ashley! He loves his doormat but he really wants a taste of Scarltt's pudding but, no, he mustn't! It wou'd be wrong!
At this point, Rhett Butler comes into the story. He's a handsome scallywag and he's together with all the men folk in the smoking room enjoying some fine nicotine goodness and listening to them talk about how they need to go to war with them uppity Yanks who want to take away their God given right to own slaves. Rhett thinks they're all silly and instead he takes notice of what a fine slice of pecan pie Scarlett is so he makes a B-line straight for her. He's flirting and she's poo-pooing him but they're the two prettiest people in the movie so you just know they're eventually going to end up dancing the naked Watusi.
The rest of the movie is Rhett and Scarlett flirting and fighting, coming together and breaking up as the Civil War is being fought around them. Rhett loves Scarlett, Scarlett hates Rhett. Rhett hates Scarlett, Scarlett loves Rhett. Scarlett loves Tara (Tara's a house) and she vows she ain't never gonna be hungry again as she stands in a field where there ain't no crops for her to eat so good luck with that. By golly, she means it though and so she marries some doofus with a hard case of blueballs but who has a lotta money. Scarlett likes money a whole bunch so blueball doofus is given an E-ticket to ride the Scarlett Express which leaves his balls a lot less blue after that...for awbile.
Rhett hates his wife but loves his Bonnie with all his heart so, of course, she dies when she plunges three feet off a horse. Rhett's had enough of this sh*t so he's outta there but Scarlett's decided she loves him but he tells her that ain't happening and so he's' gone but Scarlett vows to get him back. Scarlett vows a lot.
The end...more or less.
This movie in looong! If you plan on seeing it, prepare your ass for a workout. Despite that, it's very good. It held Cranky's interest and it's pretty to look at. I'm not sure who won the war, I think I was in the head if that information was shared but you can always google it.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- STAR WARS --
So the trashcan finds his gay robot friend, Goldenboy, and they escape to the planet of Dune. I can't remember real good. I mean, 1977 was a long damn time ago. So they go looking for the old fart but they get kidnapped by space Munchkins who take them to a farm where a whiny teenager lives with his foster family and they buy the bots.
The whiny teenager finds the old fart and the trashcan delivers Princess Cinnabuns message so now they have to go find her and save the galaxy from Death Maker. On his return, the whiny teenager sees that his foster family got torched so now, he and the old fart go looking for a ride at a space biker bar full of bug-eyed, dog faced alien freaks and weirdos to take them to find Princess Cinnabuns. They meet a 7' tall muskrat named Crunchy and his platonic life partner, Handsome Rogue. Together they all escape from Dune aboard the coolest thing in the movie, the spaceship, Superfast and Awesome! (hereafter referred to as SuperAwe)
But Princess Cinnabuns has been kidnapped by Death Maker and his mac daddy, Peter Cushing. The boys are taken prisoner aboard a big round building in space called Planet Killer but they're crafty and give Death Maker the slip and go looking for the Princess. They find her, spring her and escape aboard SuperAwe after the old fart gets offed by Death Maker but he's still in the movie as a ghost or some sh*t.
They meet up with Princess Cinnabuns friends, share the info the trashcan has and they get busy with a plan to take down Planet Killer. At this point, there's space battles, and lasers, and 'splosions and it's just all cool as hell and, in the end, the whiny teenager gets off a shot that destroys Planet Killer but only with an assist from SuperAwe. Afterwards, Princess Cinnabuns presents them with a certificate of achievement and all is right with the galaxy again.
As silly as all that sounds it's great and Cranky thinks this movie is balls! I think there might even be a sequel to it. At any rate, go see Star Wars. This movie is loads of fun and it deserves to find an audience.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- JAWS --
You'd think a movie with a plot like 'big fish eats you' would suck and in most cases you'd be right. Not only does Jaws not suck but it's got no right to even be as good as it is. I mean, c'mon! It's a goddamn shark movie! It should be just good enough for 11:00p on TNT but its way more'n that. In fact, Cranky can say with complete confidence that no one will ever make a film in the big hungry fish genre' that'll be better'n this one -- ever.
The picture is set in a little seaside town during the Summer tourist season and the townsfolk are all happy about all the money they're gonna make off all these tourists until the tourists start washing ashore as leftovers.
Something is eating the tourists!
Well, that ain't good and everybody gets scared about their money and demand that the Sheriff -- a real nerdy looking guy -- do something about the big fish and get they damn money back! Sheriff Nerdy teams up with a fish scientist -- an even nerdier looking guy -- who I'll call Nerdier Scientist (I'm really bad with names) and a gruff, old seafaring salt I'll call Capt. Drunky.
So all three of these fellas go out on a boat lookin' for the shark who's doing all this tourist eating. The rest of the movie is a game of cat & mouse, so to speak, between man and fish. For awhile, the men are getting the better of the fish until the fish turns the tables on the men. Back and forth the balance of power tilts and all the while the boat is being pushed to its breaking point and the men to theirs and you're watchin' all this play out on the edge of your seat!
Lordy, this big fish movie is good!
After all of Capt. Drunky's usual tactics have failed, Nerdier Scientist decides to go into a jail and put the jail in the water and give the shark a shot that'll kill him like they do if you murder someone in Arkansas but the shark breaks the jail and Nerdier Scientist hides on the bottom of the sea. Back up top, the shark jumps aboard the boat, chows down on Capt. Drunky then comes after Sheriff Nerdy. So the Sheriff gives sharky a aqualung to chew on then positions himself on the only part of the boat that ain't sunk yet and starts shootin' til he finally gets off a shot that hits the scuba tank and it splodes' sending sharky's head in all directions at once. It's a damn fine splosion'.
So Jaws is dead, Sheriff Nerdy is relieved, Nerdier Scientist coms outta hiding and they paddle back to shore together arguing over which day of the week it is. I believe they settled on it being a Wednesday.
So that's Jaws, the best goddamn movie about a big hungry fish you'll ever see.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- THE SHINING --
Jack is a frustrated man. He used to be a teacher but now he ain't. He wants to write a book but he's blocked. He really likes to drink but he's not allowed to do that anymore. It's while in this state of depression and self-denial that he takes a job as the caretaker of a mountain resort hotel while its closed over the long, cold winter He brings his family with him: his wife, Bug Eyes and his son, Freaky. Bug Eyes is a weak, needy, simpering shrew who can suck the life out of a man just by offering to make him dinner and Freaky is so weird and off-putting that you just wish there was a parental complaints desk where you could return him for a refund or exchange him for a more normal kid -- preferably one that doesn't talk to his finger cuz, yeah, Freaky does that, he talks with his finger. It's all part of Freaky's talent at being shiny or something. He knows stuff.
So this is Jack's life: no friends, no career, a family of circus freaks that only reminds him what a loser he is and he's snowed in with all of that for the next six months letting all that frustration and unhappiness ferment deep in his belly. There's no way he's not going to lose it.
And lose it, he does.
It starts with Jack seeing and talking to the ghosts that live in the hotel. They're Jack's buddies, they want him to drink and to reclaim his manhood and they have a plan to help him accomplish this -- Jack needs to kill his family.
At first, Jack's not so sure about that but he starts to warm up to it pretty quickly with Bug Eyes getting on his nerves with her endless concerns over Freaky's health So bit by bit, Jack's rage continues to grow as the ghosts keep nudging him forward to get the job done until he finally commits to his objective, gets an ax and starts chasing his family down so he can hack them into pieces.
But Jack's a screw-up and just like he couldn't make a go of being a teacher, or a writer, he can't seem to get the hang of being a homicidal maniac either. Despite his focus to off his family, he only manages to murder this one minor character while Bug Eyes and Freaky outsmart him and Freaky even tricks him into getting lost in the big hedge maze where he freezes to death and Bug Eyes and Freaky escape without ever having been killed.
Ya gotta give Jack an attaboy for trying his best to butcher his wife and son but at the same time, ya gotta take him to task for failing at yet another goal he had set for himself. This seems tp have been an ongoing problem for Jack, he's good at starting a project but he ain't so good at getting it finished. It's probably a good thing that he dies at the end because after failing as a husnabd, a father, a teacher, a writer, and a murderer, how many more options was there gonna be left for him to pursue?
This movie is like having a front row seat to see a man's sanity crumble and it's quite a show.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- THE EXORCIST --
Too good to be true, sweet, little Regan McLindablair, has gone and made friends with the devil while playing with a Oojee, or WeeGee, or however you spell it board. It starts off small enough with scratching on the walls, the bed shaking, the usual haunted house boilerplate but after awhile it starts to effect Regan's personality and she starts swearing and wetting herself.
Concerned mom, Chris McLindablair thinks her daughter is sick and takes her to see doctors who run a buncha brain tests and conclude there's nothing wrong with Regan. "Bullshit!" says mom. but the doctors tell her "No, for real, she's fine. She don't need a doctor, she needs a shrink." So mom takes Regan to a shrink and Regan attacks his balls!
This ain't normal so the shrinks suggest that maybe she needs a priest cuz she just might have the devil inside of her which sounds like a good idea for a porno but Regan's only 12 so get your mind outta the gutter. So instead, mom meets with Fr. Karras, a guy more sullen and brooding than even a priest should be expected to be. He'll see Regan but only as a shrink, not as a priest cuz people don't really get possessed by devils. There's always a rational cause that excludes supernatural sh*t but, whatever, Regan's mom just wants someone whose job description includes God to see her daughter.
On meeting Regan, Karras refuses to accept she's suffering from anything that can't be explained despite the fact that she's talking in the voice of a 60 yr old man, demonstrates telekinesis, and looks like she went 15 rounds with Floyd Mayweather. His stubborness is impressive. Eventually, even he has to admit that, yeah, this kid probably needs a priest. The devil is oddly agreeable with this.
So Fr. Max von Sydow gets called in. He's battled the devil before and the devil wants a re-match. Winner gets Regan's soul. So the priests are shouting at the devil to go back to Hell, while the devil is shouting back that they go f**k themselves. Back and forth the battle goes and Fr. Karras is losing faith. He sees Regan;s mom is also losing faith so this renews his own and he returns for another round with Satan and sees that Fr. Max is dead on the floor and the devil is laughing. So Fr. Karras attacks Regan and invites the devil to take him instead and the devil complies. He vacates Regan and invades Fr. Karras but Karras throws himself out a window and down a concrete staircase where he dies in the street. Completely devil-free.
This movie scared the shit outta Cranky when he first saw it as a youngster. I couldn't sleep for a month, certain Satan was coming for me. Fortunately he never did and I've seen it numerous times since. and it's still great.
I ain't never touched a Oojee board since.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- GOODFELLAS --
Of course, this is just Cranky's opinion but it still a fact. What gangster movie is better than Goodfellas: In Bruges, Black Mass, The Departed, Scarface, The Untouchables, A Bronx Talr -- there's lots of good gangster movies but a better one just don't exist. Okay, Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction are awesome but I'd still watch Goodfellas over any of em'.
Henry Hill is an Irush Catholic kid who dreams of being a thug, well, a gangster. So he lands a position running odd jobs for a crew in his neighborhood so they can teach him everything they know about doing crimes for a living. They introduce him to Jimmy Conway who's really good at crime and he meets another young kid, like himself, Tommy DeVito,who also really likes crime but he has the extra advantage of beug batshit crazy with a violent temper. The boys grow into manhood under Jimmy's tutelage and together the movie follows the fortunes of the three men as they steal, kill, lie, and cheat their way to wealth and success in the mob.
We also follow Henry's marriage to Karen, a shrill Jewish girl who finds Henry's gangster lifestyle exciting and it revs her sexy to be with him. But marriage to a gangster comes with certain realities like police investigations, jail time, and, of course, marital infidelity. Henry screws around a lot. You'd think their marriage would be toast but they're still together when the movie ends.
Henry and Karen's storyline is very good but the most fascinating character to follow is Tommy -- the violent, hotheaded psychopath who'd just as soon kill you than give you the time. Throughout the movie, Tommy is a bomb just waiting to explode and he frequently does and, invariably, people die when that happens. Don't mouth off to him, don't make jokes at his expense, and for God's sake, don't tell him he's funny.
Jimmy is the older, more seasoned gangster who gives these two younger men the benefit of his experience in stealing and killing your way to the top. Together, their fortunes are intertwined over a period of several decades and their rise and fall within the mob.
So, yeah, it's a great film and if you only see one gangster movie in your life, I recommend this one.
Cranky's ranking:
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-- KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE --
Killer Klowns from Outer Space is an awesome 80s cheesefest that you may never have heard of or even les likely, seen. It's mostly forgotten except among its cult fandom who love it unconditionally. Cranky is one of those people. Thisis a not a 'so bad it's good' movie, this is a 'so wonderfully weird you have to love it' movie. But you have to 'get' what's great about its humor and creativity to appreciate it, otherwise, upon viewing, you'll just sit there thinking 'what the hell am I looking at?'
Whichj is understandable if the film's charms elude you -- it IS weird -- that's part of its charm. What Cranky loves most about it is the creativity it shows in embracing its circus themed horror/comedy story. There's not one circus or clown themed joke or visual that gets missed: popcorn, puppets, pies, balloon animals, cotton candy, even the spaceship looks like a circus bigtop once most of it is buried in the ground.
And the clowns!
Jebus save us from alien, flesh-eating beings that look like clowns from Hell. They're an incredible assortment of nightmare inducing freaks: big ones, little ones, fat ones, thin ones, and ALL of them just ooze evil The make-up effects are amazing given the movie's miniscule budget of around $2M. That's meager for such an effects heavy film even in 1988.
You're probably wondering when I'm gonna get to the story. Okay, here it is: small town gets invaded by a race of hostile aliens who look like evil clowns. Clowns start taking people to be used as food. Heroes fight against the invaders before they kill off everyone and spread globally. The End. The story doesn't really matter so much as the way it's told and the visuals used to tell it. The plot is pretty basic, the comedy and the imagery is what sells it.
Snobs will hate it, people who don't 'get' weird will hate it, prudes will hate it. but if you see the funny in popcorn that hatches into carnivorous clown heads, balloon dogs that sniff out humans, and using a dead man as a ventriloquist dummy, you will enjoy this movie.
It's the sort of picture many people will only admit to as a guilty pleasure.
Cranky's ranking:
Click here to watch on YouTube for free (with ads) because nothing's really free.
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-- THE CHANGELING --
The movie picks up a year later and the Piano Man has moved to Seattle and gotten a job teaching, what else, music at his alma mater. He's still traumatized but is trying to move on with his life. A contact he has at the local Historic Preservation Society sets him up in a spooky old mansion they own. So Piano Man is living all alone twinkling his ivories in this cavernous old dungeon when spooky shit starts to go down. It begins with a loud pounding that practically shakes the house when it occurs. Of course, Piano Man starts by looking for the more prosaic explanations first. This is sensible. If you hear a strange noise and immediately think your house is haunted, you need Prozac. Look for a practical explanation before you look to Edgar Allen Poe to tell you what's going on. When no obvious reason for the noise can be found he starts looking for less obvious ones. His investigation leads him to a door that has been carefully concealed behind a wall. This door leads to a secret attic room where clues into the house's dark past begin to emerge. The balance of the film is Piano Man putting the pieces together and unraveling the mystery of who's haunting his house and why. It's a gripping tale that holds your attention from beginning to end.
I won't spoil this movie for you because I want you to see it for yourself. It features some very creepy scenes: a séance' and a little rubber ball being especially creepy. and memorable. This movie is a lost and underrated gem that everyone should see. It's If you take my advice and purchase a viewing you can thank me for it later.
Cranky's ranking:
Click here to watch on YouTube for just $1.99
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