PRAY YOUR TROUBLES AWAY

Seeking to put an immediate end to the impeachment inquiry into the Trump White House, Vice President Mike Pence has tapped into his Christian powers of prayer and turned to God for help. Pence has been leading daily prayer requests, beseeching the Almighty to intervene on his behalf and stop the impeachment against Trump from proceeding.

Holy Father, please protect our corruption 
and smite our Democrat persecutors.

"He prays all the time, usually for the swift passage of Republican legislation but lately there's been a lot of requests for help with the impeachment." said Dem Senator Hank Branch. "I'm not sure if he expects God to reach down and use his God powers to make us forget about impeachment or if he's hoping all the Democratic members of the House spontaneously combust but he's clearly waiting for something to take place."

So far, Pence's prayers have gone unanswered as the impeachment continues to expand with each new outrage and act of defiance coming from Trump including a written notification to the impeachment committee that the White House will not cooperate with the inquiry and branding it as unconstitutional. An unusual charge to make against a procedure outlined in the Constitution.

Regardless, Pence continues his daily entreaties certain that God will come through for him. "There will be no impeachment of this President. It's wrong and Heaven won't allow it. It's just a matter of persistence. I will continue to pray until my prayers are answered and the Power of God prevails. His will be done." Pence said.

And what if God's will is that Trump be impeached and removed and all those who were complicit are met by the full force of law?

"That is not God's will."

I guess we'll see.

MONETIZING THE AFTERLIFE

When you consider all the dead talent there is: Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Mozart, Beethoven, Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, Judy Garland, Elvis, Michelangelo, Edgar Allen Poe, Charles Dickens, Marilyn Monroe, Houdini and on, and on, and on...

If there was an afterlife, wouldn't all these dead artists still want to be practicing their craft? What happens once you've died and gone to Heaven? Do you just lose all interest in everything that meant something to you in life? If not, why wouldn't God have a company -- let's call it, the Dead Talent Agency -- and contract this amazing pool of talent out to continue to produce work here on Earth?

Is Hendrix just sitting around Heaven, plucking his guitar without an audience for eternity? What a waste! God needs to monetize the afterlife. There's a mountain of money to be made with all that classic talent just hanging out with nothing to do. Think about it; what would you pay for the NEXT album from Prince, or the NEXT book by HP Lovecraft?

God is sitting on a goldmine!

Before someone replies "But Cranky, you're an atheist." Sure but if I'm wrong and there is an afterlife, doesn't what I'm saying make sense? I'm not and there isn't but it's still fun to speculate.

What dead artist would you most like to hear from again?

DOES JESUS NEED TO DIE FOR OUR SINS AGAIN?

Hear me out. If we all have to renew our vehicle registration every year and replace our credit card every few years, if nothing anyone does once applies forever  then shouldn't Jesus have to die for the sins of Man every 100 years or so? Once enough time has passed that the people whose sins he previously died for have all died out and been replaced with a global population of people whose sins he hasn't died for yet, shouldn't it be time to pull out the crucifix and get the job done again? 

Otherwise we shouldn't have to renew all the same shit over and over every year or every few years. I'm calling shenanigans on this 'one and done' exception that only applies to Jesus.

TOAST OF THE GODS

Something I've noticed for years are the sad and pathetic events that pass for miracles now. Reading through the bible one can't help but notice the scale of the miracles credited to God. You've got global floods, parting seas, cities razed to the ground, plagues on demand, the whole wrath of God concept is played out to maximum effect, that effect being to awe and humble mankind in the face of God's might.

God (and his posse) making stuff

What passes for a miracle these days: the image of Jesus on toast, or on a taco, or in the markings on the side of a cow, or your team winning the big game, or just some trivial personal triumph or random stroke of luck. There is a precipitous decline in the quality of God's work here.

So what happened?

What changed God from those loud, highly extroverted displays of power to something as lame as the suggestion of his kid's face on a pancake? In these wicked times one would think God would be even more pissed off at his creation for having continued to fall from grace in the same way ancient Man had. Clearly nothing was learned and mankind is as sinful and wicked as it's ever been yet God remains uncharacteristically silent.

Too silent.

One doesn't go from being the earth shaking, fire raising, water parting, plague throwing, first-born taking omnipotent madman from on high in the bible to the toast burning, bowl game winning, $50 lottery ticket buying klunker we have now. You'd have to be medicated on a Thorazine drip to mellow out that much, particularly if you wield infinite cosmic power. There can only be one reasonable explanation; none of it actually happened.

No God at all is a reasonable conclusion to draw from the overwhelming lack of activity over the last two thousand years. But Cranky's a reasonable guy so I'll give God a fair chance based on the revised terms of his miracles. If God is real, all he has to do to convince me is to burn the image of ANYONE onto my next batch of toast.

Anyone at all: Katie Couric, Bruno Mars, Al Roker, Lady GaGa, The Bee Gees, Al Pacino, Terry Bradshaw, Charles Dickens, Roberta Flack, Chelsea Handler, Queen Victoria, the L.A. Lakers, that little woman who played the psychic in Poltergeist, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, Michelangelo, Emperor Hadrian, Eminem, I mean, Hell, it could be Kermit the Frog for all I care. As long as it's a recognizable image, I'll concede I've been wrong and embrace the existence of God, I mean, GOD.

So the ball's in God's court.

Cranky's gonna go make some toast.

DEMONS BREEDING WITH HUMAN FEMALES!

The Vatican has issued a dire warning that Satan is on the move and is actively propogating himself through inter-species breeding with humans. This is creating a species of human/demon hybrids known as either Humons or Demans. Either way, it's shocking! "We must all pray for delivery from these unholy whatever the f**k they are before they come for our daughters, or the gay ones come for our sons, or the confused ones come for our pets!" warned Fr. Milton Lolly, Director of the Bureau to Monitor Satanic Activity -- a department tasked by the Pope to keep him apprised of any movements the Serpent of Old is making.

"Only through a sincere and loving relationship with Jesus can anyone hope to be protected from this growing threat. We must be ever vigilant and commit ourselves to Christ or we're as good as damned."

Asked if this crisis had anything to do with religious recruitment in the face of increasing atheism, Fr. Lolly replied "Not at all. The eternal fate of your soul is in your hands. We're simply making people aware of the dangers and what their options are to avoid the hellfire."

And what is the best option?

"Total unquestioning acceptance of the Christian faith."

Didn't see that coming.