Capt. Crankypants

OH NO, IT'S TOGO!

The tiny Republic of Togo -- a country in West Africa -- wants so badly to become a player in global politics it has contacted the White House and left a message offering their service to investigate any of the Democrat rivals on which President Trump wants to get dirt.

"We will look into anyone the President wants us to and find the scandals no matter how deep they're buried." said Otome Otumbo, Under-Secretary of Political Objectives for the Togo government. "We'll prove Elizabeth Warren practices witchcraft, that Bernie Sanders is a High Priest in the Church of Satan, and Joseph Biden makes sex with crack whores. We can find it whether it's real or not. We hope this greatest of presidents will consider our offer."

It's certainly a tempting offer by Trump administration standards and the President has expressed his interest but he tempers that interest with skepticism. "I like it but Togo is a tiny place with not a lot of money. Their GDP is half my personal fortune. Still, I like what they're proposing and they have the right attitude. Maybe but I'm not sure."

Otumbo counters such concerns by arguing, "We are small but that is to our advantage. No one sees Togo coming and by the time they do see us, we've already taken many notes and shot much video."

Togo sees this move as a major step toward a larger role in global politics and hopes they can position themselves as the go-to country for this sort of government muckraking and political infighting. They've even gone so far as to have already branded themselves for this purpose with the simple but memorable slogan  -- GO TO TOGO.

When asked how this idea as government spies-for-hire came about, Otumbo replied, "Trump has created a political atmosphere rife with anger, paranoia, and desperation. In such an environment, opportunity is where you find it."