Capt. Crankypants

HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 2: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

A remake of the tension filled 1957 courtroom drama 12 Angry Men is currently in development but with a twist -- it's being turned into a comedy.

Yeah, that's how we all feel about your movies.

You heard that right. Adam Sandler (who else) is producing and starring in the ill conceived remake through his shit factory, Happy Madison Productions. The original film starred Henry Fonda and a stellar cast of actors, all of whom delivered bravura performances in a film that has justifiably achieved classic status. So, naturally, Sandler wants to take a big wet dump all over it and turn it into a "comedy" of pop culture references, product placement, and fart jokes.

Co-starring all the SNL rejects he always hires, this cinematic abortion will be dumped into theaters in the Fall of 2021.

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Comedian turned horror movie auteur, Jordan Peele is hard at work on the screenplay of his next project, Black as Hell.

He's funny. He's scary. He's black. He's Jordan Peele.

Little is known about the script but word is that it tells the story of a black man who dies, goes to Hell and stirs up racial unrest when he's cast into the Lake of Fire surrounded by Neo-Nazis, Skinheads, and members of the KKK who are already burning there.  Things get even more heated after the black man meets and falls in love with the condemned soul of a white woman. The couple find an unlikely ally in the soul of Fred Trump (Donald's dad) who has apparently mellowed somewhat on his rampant racism since he bit the big one.

Racial tension is a common thread in Peele's work and given the quality of his previous films expectations will be high for this picture.

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Meryl Streep has signed on to provide one of the voices in the all star CG animated production of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

Streep will play a box of Tagalongs that wants to run for President of the fictional world of Cookieland. She is aided by her staff of friends: her running mate, a box of Do-Si-Do's voiced by Mindy Kaling, her campaign manager, a box of Samoas voiced by Dwayne Johnson, her PR rep, a box of Thin Mints voiced by Billy Bob Thornton, and her legal counsel, a box of Savannah Sniles voiced by celebrity chef, Paula Deen. The cookies are trying to be stopped by the Keebler Elves who want to run their Girl Scout cookie knockoffs: a box of Coconut Dreams for President voiced by Harrison Ford and his running mate, a box of Grasshoppers voiced by Anne Hathaway.

The edible cast of Girl Scout Cookies - The Movie!

The picture is a co-production between Monument Studios, the Girl Scouts of America, and Keebler Foods® and is basically just a 90 minute ad for cookies masquerading as a family film.

Personally, I recommend you just buy some cookies and forget the movie.

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An all-female remake of the classic Stanley Kubrick war film, Full Metal Jacket is in development with Amy Schumer and Rebel Wilson attached in the iconic roles of Joker and Gomer Pyle. 

This guy wants to make a war movie

with a cast of comediennes.

This is a truly weird idea that could only have come from the mind of Paul Feig, the "visionary" behind the disastrous all-female Ghostbusters remake of 2016. The part of the uber-profane Gunnery Sargeant Hartman will be played by Melissa McCarthy, a frequent Feig collaborator.

Get ready for a lot of charges of misogyny if you don't like the film and the odds are pretty good you won't. Remaking any film is always a gamble but when you're remaking a classic the stakes go way up as the film will inevitibly be compared to the original so unless you've come up with a way to make a perfect film better, you're gonna suffer by comparison. This is what happened with his Ghostbusters remake -- he remade a movie that couldn't have been made any better than it already was. He's now flirting with a repeat of that same mistake.

Feig is writing and will direct the film. Why? Because apparently he hasn't learned his lesson yet.

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Russian supermodel, Tatiana, will make her big screen debut as the love interest of ex-Wolverine, Hugh Jackman, in the big screen adaptation of the New York Times bestselling espionage thriller, Up Your Fudge. Yeah, we know, that title makes no sense but neither does casting a supermodel who can't act and barely speaks English.

Hopefully Jackman will play most of his scenes with his shirt off or there'll be nothing to save this one.

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Finally...

We all know Helen Keller is an icon of the strength of the human spirit. We al know the story of how she overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles being blind, deaf, and mute to become a college graduate, author, activist, and teacher but did you know she was also abducted by aliens?

Water. Water, Helen. Waaaater.

That's right. In 1938 while she was outside making up funny names for different parts of her body, she was taken up by an alien spacecraft where she was subjected to  "Unspeakable experiments in science against my person." as she described it.

This little known event is being examined in detail in a new documentary, Helen Keller's Alien Anal Probe. In an amazing casting coup, the part of Miss Keller will be played by Jodie Foster. The broadcast will be treated as a special event with lots of commercial interruptions to help cover the cost of hiring an Oscar-winning actress to play the lead in a television documentary.

The program will air on Discovery this Winter.