Capt. Crankypants

IT'S PAT!

In the aftermath of Trump's devastating public humiliation getting booed last week at Game 5 of the World Series, the White House has added an additional seven people to the President's Personal Approval Team. The PAT members are selected from among the President's base and are pro-Trump to the point of obsessive. Their responsibility is to stroke the President's ego at all times over anything he does regardless of how trivial it may be.

PAT Team Logo

The team trails behind the President all throughout the White House and cheer and clap at whatever he does or says. When the brushes his teeth, they cheer and applaud. When he signs a document, they cheer and applaud. When he makes a boom-boom, they cheer and applaud. They're on call 24/7 and no "accomplishment" is too insignificant to be ignored.  He once dropped a pen and picked it up to a standing ovation from the team.

"The President accomplishes so much every day: he signs his name, he eats his lunch, he ties his shoes and everything he does is praiseworthy. He rightfully expects to be praised and I'm so proud to be one of those selected to provide all that well earned adulation." said LuAnn Plopp, one of the ardent Trump supporters chosen for the team.

Team members are chosen from registered Republican voters who submit an application then submit to a background check, the semi-finalists are interviewed, vetted, then must meet with Trump for 5 mins. If he gives his approval, the candidate is offered the job typically within six weeks. Competition for a place on the team is fierce among his base and those chosen compare it to an almost religious experience.

"It's like how the disciples must have felt serving Jesus." said Charles Bauerchuk, another team member..

"I love my PATties. They're doing a tremendous, just a tremendous job. The best. They love me. They love their country. They 're just great, especially the one with the big tits." Trump enthused.

The "one with the big tits" is Choir Melange, and ex-pole dancer turned die-hard Trump supporter who made the team in the last round of selections after Trump interviewed her for 10 secs and replied "I want her." She was hired on the spot. She sums up her feelings for the job like this; "I would die for him. I want him to eat my spleen so we can always be a part of each other."

Sooooo yeah.