Capt. Crankypants

IMMORTALITY IS NOW A REALITY...SORT OF

Everybody wants to live a long time. Some people want to live forever but we're limited by these flawed organic shells we occupy. Out bodies are fragile and given to innumerable diseases and/or illnesses that could reduce one's life expectancy by  any number of years whether it be from diabetes, cancer, organ failure or chronic conditions of all kinds.

Even under the best of circumstances: genetic advantages, perfect health, luck -- the most you can realistically hope for is to reach 100 or so. After that, facts are facts, people wear out and then you die. Dying sucks. You don't get to go waterskiing, or hiking, or feel the rain on your face, or smell the pretty flowers, or have hot, wet monkey sex, or anything. Ever again.

People have dreamt of conquering death for as long as there have been people dying -- it's one of the reasons religion was invented -- but it's also been speculated upon by science or at least by science fiction through the concept of implanting one's consciousness into a durable, undying artificial body.

It's a wild idea. To begin with, the technology to build a fully functional artificial human body doesn't even exist and if it did it would be hugely expensive. Also, since this wouldn't take place until after death it's unlikely your insurance would cover the cost of what would probably be a million dollar procedure.

So it's out of reach. There's no way to do this. Death wins.

Wrong!

A new compamy, one that hasn't even been taken public yet has been hard at work on this very problem for the last several years and believe they have the solution. Automotron-X® a Rochester, NY based
start-up has announced that they're on the verge of offering an affordable solution that makes near immortality available to most people for a cost of about $50,000. They even offer financing plans.

Company Logo

Imagine it, your brain in an artificial body that will last long after your death and is immune from illness and disease -- all for just $50,000!

Now...there is a catch.

For that kind of money you don't get top of the line choices but what you do get is serviceable. The company has developed the procedure that enables them to remove your brain at the moment of death and keep it functioning but to keep costs down the receptacle you will occupy is modest.

Your sleek new body.

It's a repurposed computer case. The company has entered into a contract with computer manufacturer, Computek® to purchase the cases at a bulk rate in anticipation of very brisk business once they launch this product in the Spring.

The company believes many people will opt for this in anticipation of future upgrades. Automotron-X® spokesman, Russell van Damme (no relation to the actor) says, "Sure, it's a computer case now but down the line it will be a much nicer case, then maybe a car. Hell, if you can afford it, it could be a Ferrari. How cool would it be to have a Ferrari body?"

So science fiction is on the cusp of becoming science fact and we are now one big step closer to conquering death. Start saving up now because you never know when the grim reaper will come for you.  For those who may have moral or ethical questions of transferring human consciousness into a metal box like it's a can of Spam, ask yourself this; is it better to die and spend eternity without awareness in a wooden box or spend it in a metal box with awareness and the possibility of upgrades, maybe even into a Ferrari?

All I can say to that is VROOOOM!