Capt. Crankypants

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU WON'T

President Donald Trump has made a brilliant discovery that, once applied, will reduce the number of confirmed coronavirus cases down to a trickle.  This is great news in light of the current surge that has brought much of the reopening efforts to a halt in the wake of all the new cases that have been identified since these premature reopening efforts were begun...prematurely.

Trump has determined that the spike in new cases is the result of too much testing, a simple and obvious fact that none of the medical professionals on Trump's advisory staff managed to see. Basically, his logic works like this -- if we don't test so much, we won't confirm so many new cases and that will bring our number of confirmed cases way down and he'll look better going into re-election.

Is this the face of genius? Let's hope not.

"It was a brilliant realization. How did we miss it?" said Sen. (R) Louie Gohmert. "The man makes me proud to deny reality." Sen. (R) Lindsey Graham added. The implications for this reach far beyond the COVID-19 problem, it could be applied to any situation that we don't like and want to deny: foreign policy, taxation police brutality -- it works with anything to make it look better.  "If you ignore it, it can't hurt you." Vice President Mike Pence said, summarizing the President's plan. "Serving this genius President has been the honor of my life. I almost wish he had kidney disease so I could donate a kidney to him."

Trump's support base were quick to give their marmalade messiah the credit they felt he deserved. "He's the most smartest man who's ever lived!" one supporter enthused. "I wish I was a woman so I could have his baby!" 

Everyone is eagerly anticipating much lower numbers to soon follow as Trump's plan of 'if we ignore it, it'll go away' is implemented.