EXPERT: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITHIN 3 YEARS!

Y'know how people joke about a zombie apocalypse? Well, it turns out it ain't no joke; there's an actual zombie apocalypse predicted to detonate within just three short years. That's according to Dr. Puggy Skeets, Research Director for the Institute of Undead Activity.

Zombies in synchronized attack down 
Central Ave. in upstate NY

"They're coming. There will be no place to hide from all these dead motherf**kers. They're coming for our brains and the brains of our children and they will not stop until they've consumed us all."

Dr. Skeets claims that increased evidence of pre-zombie activity is at the core of his prediction. This pre-zombie evidence includes such indicators as resurrection ceremonies practiced worldwide and prayers for lost souls gone wrong.

"The indicators are there. They can't be denied. If we don't start preparing now it'll be too late before we know it."

Asked if he was being an alarmist, Dr. Skeets said, "Don't you get it, they're freakin' zombies. Zombies! If we aren't going to be alarmed by zombies, what are we going to get alarmed over?"

Dr.  Skeets suggests taking the precautionary steps of arming ourselves and shooting  anyone that threatens us with attack.. "If your own mother lunges at you with blood all over her face and bits of flesh between her teeth, shoot the bitch."

If there is a zombie apocalypse approaching, that would be bad but do we really want to take our cue from someone with a name like Puggy Skeets who's already seeing these zombies everywhere and is advising you to shoot your mother?

STANDARDIZED PESIDENTIAL LETTER OF CONDOLENCE

The president is a busy man and, as such, can't be expected to compose a personalized letter of condolence for every notable death that makes the headlines. To address this, a standard letter of condolence has been drafted that will be tweeted as called for.

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From the Desk of President Donald J. Trump

I'm saddened to hear that (NAME) has died. (NAME) was a good person but could've been nicer to me. (NAME) spent his/her career doing good work as a (OCCUPATION) without peer but would it have killed him/her to pay me a compliment or two along the way?

While death is sad and painful we must always remember that it's all part of God's great plan and (NAME) will now enjoy an eternity in Heaven. Unless (NAME) was an atheist and is burning in Hell. I would've prayed for their soul had (NAME) treated me with greater respect in life.

DOES JESUS NEED TO DIE FOR OUR SINS AGAIN?

Hear me out. If we all have to renew our vehicle registration every year and replace our credit card every few years, if nothing anyone does once applies forever  then shouldn't Jesus have to die for the sins of Man every 100 years or so? Once enough time has passed that the people whose sins he previously died for have all died out and been replaced with a global population of people whose sins he hasn't died for yet, shouldn't it be time to pull out the crucifix and get the job done again? 

Otherwise we shouldn't have to renew all the same shit over and over every year or every few years. I'm calling shenanigans on this 'one and done' exception that only applies to Jesus.

HERE CUM THE JUDGE

Another woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh of inappropriate sexual conduct from his college freshman days at Yale. This, along with several other allegations that came out during Kavanaugh's confirmation hearing in 2018, has alarmed the other Justices with whom he  shares the bench who now feel a bit uncomfortable with their newest colleague. "No one is saying he's guilty, that hasn't been established, but in light of the way these allegations keep popping up like a game of whack-a-mole, we feel that some proactive steps should be taken to protect the three female Justices in case Justice Kavanaugh's eye starts to wander in their direction." said a Justice who wished to remain anonymous.

These steps include unarmed bodyguards to stand behind each of the female Justices to intercede if necessary while each of the lady Justices will also be fit with a personal body alarm that they can set off with the push of a button, as well as a keychain can of mace.

"These precautions are in the best interests of these women although we are hopeful that they will not be needed. We trust Justice Kavanaugh will keep it in his pants. Well, we're hopeful anyway."

Justice Kavanaugh had locked himself in an executive restroom and could not be reached for comment.

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TOAST OF THE GODS

Something I've noticed for years are the sad and pathetic events that pass for miracles now. Reading through the bible one can't help but notice the scale of the miracles credited to God. You've got global floods, parting seas, cities razed to the ground, plagues on demand, the whole wrath of God concept is played out to maximum effect, that effect being to awe and humble mankind in the face of God's might.

God (and his posse) making stuff

What passes for a miracle these days: the image of Jesus on toast, or on a taco, or in the markings on the side of a cow, or your team winning the big game, or just some trivial personal triumph or random stroke of luck. There is a precipitous decline in the quality of God's work here.

So what happened?

What changed God from those loud, highly extroverted displays of power to something as lame as the suggestion of his kid's face on a pancake? In these wicked times one would think God would be even more pissed off at his creation for having continued to fall from grace in the same way ancient Man had. Clearly nothing was learned and mankind is as sinful and wicked as it's ever been yet God remains uncharacteristically silent.

Too silent.

One doesn't go from being the earth shaking, fire raising, water parting, plague throwing, first-born taking omnipotent madman from on high in the bible to the toast burning, bowl game winning, $50 lottery ticket buying klunker we have now. You'd have to be medicated on a Thorazine drip to mellow out that much, particularly if you wield infinite cosmic power. There can only be one reasonable explanation; none of it actually happened.

No God at all is a reasonable conclusion to draw from the overwhelming lack of activity over the last two thousand years. But Cranky's a reasonable guy so I'll give God a fair chance based on the revised terms of his miracles. If God is real, all he has to do to convince me is to burn the image of ANYONE onto my next batch of toast.

Anyone at all: Katie Couric, Bruno Mars, Al Roker, Lady GaGa, The Bee Gees, Al Pacino, Terry Bradshaw, Charles Dickens, Roberta Flack, Chelsea Handler, Queen Victoria, the L.A. Lakers, that little woman who played the psychic in Poltergeist, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, Michelangelo, Emperor Hadrian, Eminem, I mean, Hell, it could be Kermit the Frog for all I care. As long as it's a recognizable image, I'll concede I've been wrong and embrace the existence of God, I mean, GOD.

So the ball's in God's court.

Cranky's gonna go make some toast.

DEMS VOTING TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF DISCUSSING IMPEACHMENT

In the wake of Donald Trump's ongoing corruption to monetize the presidency through his resort properties playing host to a steady stream of Repubs, foreign dignitaries, military personnel and anyone else willing to stay in his fleabag hotels, the Dems are taking the bold and decisive step to vote to consider the possibility of maybe discussing the idea of possibly holding a hearing to maybe discuss impeachment.

"We feel that taking a vote to discuss the possibility of maybe impeachment is called for and justified at this time." said Dem Sen. R.H.. "We have been thinking about possibly discussing this as a thing we might do if it were justified...maybe."

Currently the vote is scheduled for Thursday, or maybe next Monday, possibly by the end of the month and certainly no later than mid 2019. 

"We're committed to this. We hope to have decided sooner or later to maybe take the appropriate action to discuss what needs to be, uhh, to be...wait, where was I going with this?"

Trump has nothing to worry about.