IN SEARCH OF MIKE PENCE'S BALLS

A commission has been convened to attempt to determine if vice president Mike Pence has balls and, if so, where they are. The question of Mike Pence's balls have been swirling for some time, ever since footage was aired following a 2017 Cabinet meeting when Pence, along with several other Cabinet members, unashamedly licked Trump's ass for several degrading minutes while Trump ate Pence's fawning praise with a spoon. 

The issue has once again been brought to the forefront in the wake of Pence's recent trip to Ireland where, at the president's suggestion, Pence stayed in a Trump owned property in Doonbeg which is three hours west from where Pence was meeting in Dublin. Rather than tell Trump to "Suck it. I'm not driving three hours out of my way just to stay at your golf resort." Pence exposed his lily white underbelly and agreed to his master's unreasonable request because, well, no balls.

"We are confident that vice president Pence has balls and we will be able to locate them." stated Senator Will Bunky, (R) the man appointed to head the commission. "His wife, Karen, has already testified that she has seen them on at least one prior occasion." She further confirmed that they resembled "a pair of shriveled plums.." 

Whether or not Pence's balls can be located has yet to be determined but one thing seems clear; if one is willing to take a subservient position to an ignorant, immature, ill-mannered man-child then having one's own set of balls is probably not especially useful in the performance of one's duties. 

FOX NEWS FALLOUT

After a 2.5 year long honeymoon between Donald Trump and Fox News, the relationship has apparently cooled in recent weeks evidenced by Trump's public statements of dissatisfaction over his former media flame. The fallout seems to have begun because several Fox newsreaders had the ongoing temerity to factually state Trump's lies, incompetence, and corruption rather than spin any of it into examples of his qualifications and/or accomplishments.

Spinning bullshit since 1996

It works like this: Trump does something stupid, or incompetent, or corrupt Fox News reports it but presents it to their low information viewership as intelligent, well thought out and reasonable or they simply don't report on it at all. When he lies and he's called out on it, Fox News will claim that it was never a lie at all. Everybody in Trump world shouts "fake news!" and Trump's base is satisfied that their personal little tin god was once again made the victim of a smear campaign by the biased liberal news media but they were too smart to be fooled by it. They and Trump proclaim victory and complete exoneration. .

Denial of reality is mandatory if one is going to be a Trump supporter.

This was the arrangement so when some of Fox's on-air talent actually reports on Trump honestly, pointing out his lies, incompetence and/or corruption for what it actually is AND reports on Trump's plummeting poll numbers factually, well, Trump sees that as a betrayal of their arrangement  One that he wasn't going to handle gracefully. So like a wife who had gotten a few years too old or gained 10-15lbs it was time for a divorce -- a spiteful, public spectacle because Trump makes everything a spiteful public spectacle.

The relationship can be saved but it will be entirely on Fox News to do so. They'll have to apologize and beg his forgiveness. If they wait for him to make the first move, they'll be waiting forever and they know that.

TOM DIC ASS

Trump has made it clear he thinks the Constitution should be amended to allow him to serve as president for as long as he likes. While the idea of Donald Trump being named President for Life would be a dream come true for everyone in his inexplicable base of support, the fact is he's 73, at least 60-80lbs overweight and subsists on a diet primarily of grease and salt. That he's lasted this long without any serious health complications is impressive but it can't last forever. Even if he managed to pull off his dream of President for Life, sooner or later someone would have to be chosen to succeed him to his throne.

"Hmm, President for Life sounds good to me."

To this end, Tomorrow's Dictator's Association -- Tom Dic Ass for short -- has been formed to carry on his policies and style o leadership so that even after he's gone, his influence will remain and the country can continue to feel his presence like a colonoscopy without anesthesia.

The organization will recruit young men to be trained in the Tao of Trump -- a philosophy of leadership and manhood that defines that of the dear leader so that a pool of worthy candidates trained in the ways of Trump will always be available from which to draw. This taining includes a variety of disciplines such as:

- Revising the truth to serve your purposes

- How to deny absolutely anything regardless of evidence

- Groping women and getting away with it

- Advanced Tweeting

- The secrets of secrecy

- Pandering to corporate PAC money

- Fleecing the Evangelicals

- Promises don't have to be kept to get credit for them

- Embrace your inner sociopath

And many more lessons critical for success as a Trump style leader. Young men between the ages of 12 - 17 are encouraged to submit their applications along with a non-refundable application fee of $300 to be considered for acceptance into the program.

No minorities or women.

Obviously.

IMMIGRANT RECYCLING PROGRAM

The Trump administration has floated the idea of a revolutionary new solution to the ongoing problem of brown people trying to get into the US to escape opression and take our high-paying positions picking crops and doing day labor. The newly formed Dept. of Immigrant Solutions has outlined a program whereby the vast numbers of immigrants being held at the Southern border could be reclaimed as products useful to the global marketplace.

An expansive immigrant recycling plant is to be built in Frankfort, Kentucky where the immigrant infestation will be processed into a wide variety of products including: tires, re-bar, pet food, fertilizer, weed killer, engine oil, and a vast number of plastics applications.

"It's the perfect solution." boasted Elmo Cracker -- Head of Development for the program. "The families are kept together and processed together. No more separation for people to get upset over."

The program expects to process up to 10,000 immigrants per day. A rate that should resolve the immigrant issue entirely within six months. "There is a significant amount of greenhouse emissions produced in the process but since climate change is a hoax, that shouldn't be an issue." Cracker explained.

The program is expected to get underway just as soon as Trump gets re-elected.

WHO AM I?

 - I am a woman in a position of high authority who refuses to do her job.

 - The majority of people I represent are agreed upon an action that I refuse to take.

 - Ny inaction demonstrates my allegiance to my donors rather than to those who voted me into office.

 - I am far too corrupt and compromised to be of any further use to anyone other than my donors.

 - People think I'm a smart, effective leader but I'm really just a political animal.

 - I look like I probably smell of Ben-Gay.

Submit your answers below.

QUESTION

There was another mass shooting yesterday, this time in Odessa, TX. Apparently some guy got pulled over by the cops for some unstated reason and he started just shooting at them then took off and kept shooting at random people as he sped away.

But he wasn't done, he then abandoned his car and hijacked a mail truck and kept right on shooting at anyone and everyone til he abandoned the mail truck and hid in a movie theater where the cops finally found him and shot him dead.

So, yeah.

Cranky's question is; shooting at people is still illegal in the US, right?

I'm really starting to wonder since this sh*t is happening every other week and ain't nothing being done about it so I think the question is valid. Personally, I think unless you're in a war fighting against tyranny, oppression, and evil then shooting at people is probably not the solution to whatever your trouble might be,

I'm just sayin'.

SO...TRUMP

Cranky has a question; what the actual ef is wrong with this guy?

Trump's brain hurts.

Did someone hide his meds? Is his mind being consumed by a Jovian brain slug? Seriously, Cranky wants an answer; what is his problem?? Normal thinking people don't behave this way. Normal thinking people are a combination of good and bad impulses. You strive to maximize the good and minimize the bad. Not Trump. His only instincts are all bad. He never chooses the right thing under any circumstances.

Give you an example. If Trump came upon a dog that had been struck by a car and was lying on the side of the road, whimpering, in pain, needing help, select what Trump would most likely do from this list of options:

A- Keep driving and pay it no mind
B- Stop, look, shrug his shoulders then keep driving
C- Stop, get out, piss on its head then keep driving
D- Run over it again as he drove past then flip it the bird
E- Stop, take the animal to a vet and stay with it
F- Anything but E

I've lost count of all the messed up sh*t he's done because it gets added to every day. There's no end to it. He's a liar, cheat, and swindler in an ill-fitting suit and a bad rug. He's achieved a level of corruption that Cranky didn't think was even possible. It would be impressive if it weren't so f**ked up.

And the tweeting! The goddamn idiotic tweeting! Enough already! The Trump administration has made Crany very cranky. We need to regain some measure of normalcy or I'm just gonna have to close myself up into a box til this is over.