WHITE HOUSE PHONE PANIC RESPONSE TEAM

In the wake of the Whisrleblower scandal  White House officials have put together an emergency Presidential telephone response squad known as the White House Phone Panic Response Team or the WHOPPR Team. Now, whenever Trump makes or receives a call, a TelAlert is sounded and the team springs into action to surround the President and try to steer any conversation he's having back into safe territory if, or rather, when it goes off track.

There are three stages of TelAlert based on what kind of call is taking place. TelAlert 3 is the default and applies to calls to/from friends or family. This includes calls from Sean Hannity and Fox News in general.

TelAlert 2 applies to any calls to/from a domestic leader, any leader from any state or US commonwealth. This is an elevated alert condition but does not automatically trigger an emergency response although it can be upgraded if necessary if the President is speaking to Rudy Giuliani or William Barr.

TelAlert 1 is the automatic emergency condition and includes any calls to/from any foreign leaders with special emphasis placed on any calls to/from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mohammed bin Salman or, as of this week, the Ukraine

The team is authorized to use various levels of restraint on the President based on which

TelAlert status is in effect. These restraints run a wide range and can be as simple as a gentle nudge to more coercive moves like the "Tackle & Take" where the President is pulled to the ground and the phone is seized by a team member who tells the party on the other end that they've reached a wrong number and is then hung up. This response would've been especially useful during the President's call to Volodymyr Zelensky on Juy 25th.

WHOPPR Team members are primarily long serving military personnel who've been selected based on previous combat experience then augmented with special training in telephone intercessory techniques.

PREMATURE REDECORATION

In a decidedly premature display of naked anticipation, vice president Mike Pence was seen measuring the Oval Office for new drapes and adding a few other personal touches. He 's hung a large crucifix just over and behind the president's chair and placed a framed picture of his wife, Karen, on the desk.

Dear Lord, I really want to be president!

Asked if he didn't think he was jumping the gun just a bit, Pence stated, "I have no doubt in my mind that president Trump will be exonerated on all of these spurious charges. The Dem witch hunt to impeach this president will fail and the Lord's justice will prevail."

Asked why then did he seem to be redecorating the office with his personal things, Pence reassured us that he was simply carrying out the president's wishes. "The president has asked me to personalize the office with more  of my things to foster a greater relationship of mutual respect and cooperation."

At this point, Trump walked into the office and angrily ordered Pence to "Take all this shit down, now!"

Pence did so and placed his box of things in a corner of his office muttering to himself, "Soon."

RECIPE FOR IMPEACHMENT PIE

Ingredients:

 - 2/3 cup of sugar

 - 1/3 cup all-purpose flour

 - 1/4 teaspn ground cinnamon

 - 5 cups fresh impeaches 

  - 1 teaspn lemon juice

 - 1 deep dish pie crust

 - 1 or more violations of the Constitution and/or serious ethics violations

 - Total disregard for one's Oath of Office

 - 1 Donald Trump

Steps:

 - Pre-heat Congress to 400 dgs

 - Mix sugar, flour, and cinnamon together in a large mixing bowl then add in fresh sliced impeaches and lemon juice into crust. Add in Constitutional and ethics violations along with Donald Trump and the disregard for his Oath of Office. Crimp edges of crust. Place pie in the heat of a Democratic inquiry until top is golden brown then let stand until vote is taken and pie is good and done. 

 - Remove pie from office and serve to America and the world.

TECH TALK: MINDREADING -- THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

In this digital age new apps are released every day and most of them are useless or useful only to a target market but there are some apps that are useful to everyone no matter their age, race, gender, ethnicity or geographic location.

ThoughtSpy logo ©Punchkinsoft

One such app is nearing release. It's called ThoughtSpy -- the mindreading app.

Not possible! you're probably thinking but the truth is that this technology has been in development for years. It works this way: thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain, so once installed, you point your phone at the subject and this app reads those impulses and displays them as text on the screen of your smart phone. The result: you can read onscreen what that person is thinking.

The personal and commercial possibilities are endless. Think about all the uncertainty you could resolve. Wonder what a girl or guy really thinks about you; now you can know before you ask them out. Rejection can be a thing of the past. Sales professionals could determine which clients are most likely to close a sale. Liars and cheats are busted before they can even finish lying to you or trying to cheat you. We can finally know what people are really thinking and what their intentions really are.

This is not necessarily a good thing especially in the wrong hands and Punchkinsoft, the maker of the app, acknowledge the potential for chaos this app could bring but dismissed these concerns with their reply, "Do you know how much money we're gonna make?"

Well, then that's all that matters.

TRUMP LEGALIZES LYING BUT ONLY FOR HIMSELF

Tired of his integrity being questioned, President Trump has signed a new Executive Order  whic allows the president's version of any incident, event, ot report to supersede any other version thereby ostensibly making the truth whatever he says it is.

Look mommy, I wroted my name!

"The president has better things to do than argue with the fake news media over every little word that comes out of his mouth." said Kellyanne Conjob.  "So to obviate this issue, the president has granted himself the authority to define the truth as he sees fit. As president, it's his right to do so."

"Nobody knows better than I do about stuff." Trump said. "My brain is huge and I know best so the next person who says I'm lying about anything is breaking the law."

Uhhh, no comment.

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HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS 1: NEWS FROM THE DREAM FACTORY

Phone themed action for Tom.

Tom Cruise has been cast as the lead in a new big budget feature from Universal. The film is titled Call Waiting and features the Cruise missile as Frank Gage, the best customer service agent working at a digital cable company in Buffalo, NY. Gage provides top-notch customer care to the subscribers of his company's service until a call from a suicidal customer leads to tension and drama as Gage must talk the customer out of killing herself while also upselling her on a new sports package the company is promoting. Dakota Johnson plays an assistant manager much too young to find him attractive but does so anyway. The film is set for release in the Summer of 2021.

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In more questionable casting news, Scarlett Johansson has signed on to portray...Joe Montana??

Good luck making this a man.

It's true, the Marvel master assassin who looks amazing kicking butt in skin-tight black leather will trade her dominatrix fashions for a football uniform to play the legendary quarterback in the biopic, Joe Cool for Monument Pictures. "I'm an actor. It's my job to play roles that are not myself." she explained. "I refuse to limit myself based on gender. " We get it, Scarlett, bu, c'mon, Harrison Ford isn't signing up to play Mother Teresa anytime soon. We're thinking this may not be the best idea.

We'll know is the Spring of 2022 when the film is scheduled for release.

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This guy sucks!

German film director, and I use that term very loosely, Uwe Boll, is in active development on his next project; a film version of Adolph Hitler's 1925 autobiographical manifesto, Mein Kampf -- the book on which the Nazi Party was founded.

It would take a schlockmeister like Boll to see cinematic potential in a book that featured the lunatic rambling of a diseased mind. "I think people need this film. I'll add stuff like boobs and explosions to make it more commercial and put asses in seats." Boll assured those unconvinced of the wisdom behind this project. Does anyone really need this film? Of course the same could be asked of everything Boll has ever made.

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Adam Sandler is making another piece of shit that co-stars his friends that can't get work from anyone else and features a script with a lot of fart jokes and a plot that doesn't matter in the least. The movie is scheduled for release whenever. Seriously, who cares?

We're not even gonna bother with a picture.

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Can Piggy shed her Muppet image?

Miss Piggy has fired her old agency -- CAA -- and signed with a new agency -- Global Puppets Intl. -- that want to get behind her career goal to move away from The Muppets and branch out into more romantic and dramatic roles. She's currently the frontrunner for the female lead in a remake of the Shakespeare classic, Othello opposite Denzel Washington. "We taking gamble if casting her in non-muppet, non-comical, non-pig role but we believe in her talent and she committed to renewing her career in movies that are big and dramatic." said the film's producer, Cookie Monster, himself branching into his new career as a producer. "Me like Piggy. She smell like cooookies!" 

That may be but can she make a convincing Desdemona? Time will tell.

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Sylvester Stallone just won't stop making Rocky/Rambo movies despite the fact that there's no more story to tell about either of these 80s icons. It's jut gotten sad now. Someone please tell him there's such a thing as enough already.

You're 73 now, Sly, what's next: Rocky gets a colostomy, Rambo breaks a hip?

Be done!

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Rare photo of Weinstein with 

his penis still in his pants. 

It had to happen sooner or later, a 6-part TV miniseries is in development based on the glittering career and spectacular fall of movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein. An award winning producer, Weinstein had a habit of showing his penis to any woman he saw whether she asked for it or not and most of them didn't. He was fired by his own company in 2017 and subsequently arrested on charges of assault and rape after 80 women complained they had been attacked by the predatory appendage.

So, of course, a story this salacious demands a movie and we're gonna get one in 6 parts no less. The CBS event is scheduled for next Fall and stars John Goodman in the role of Weinstein. Goodman has lost a lot of weight over the last few years and has been asked to gain back 60lbs for the role of the rotund pervert. "It took me 40 years to lose this weight and now I have to put a third of it back on. I wouldn't do this if they weren't paying me a shitload." Goodman said.

The real Harvey Weinstein is currently out on bail and is struggling in his new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.