DISCREDIT RATING

The Trump campaign is running out of ideas to discredit Joe Biden as a Presidential candidate. Trying to brand him as a socialist didn't take, saying he hates law and order and will destroy the police also fell on deaf ears, and Hunbter Biden is mostly played out. So none of it worked and time is getting very short -- the election is in just two weeks.

So the Trump campaign needs something they can use against Biden and their desperation is being reflected in the ideas that are being floated:

Biden challenging Trump's campaign 
manager to a fistfight.

 - Joe Biden worked as a border patrol agent in New Mexico during the 60s and let tens of thousands of immigrants in without checking for papers.

 - Biden was a major financial contributor to an anti-law organization called F-CK the PO-LICE.

 - That Joe Biden is a secret atheist who writes blasphemous poetry and posts anti-Jesus memes under the internet pseudonym, "H8rofGodxXx" 

 - That Joe Biden is working with a foreign government to get himself elected.

Okay, so they don't think that last one is so bad but the rest of it would be inexcusable. The fact that none of it is true and is easily disproven with a simple web search doesn't matter. They know no one who would vote for Donald Trump would ever do any research into anything so they can say whatever they like and it'll just be taken at face value.

HOW DESPERATE IS DONALD?

With the election looming in only three weeks and the President tanking in just about every poll taken Donald Trump is becoming increasingly desperate in the face of a hopeless chance at re-election. What is a malignant narcissist to do when faced with the soul crushing reality that you suck and everyone hates you?

Trump's Director of
Spellcasting 

Why you do anything, of course and Donald Trump is prepared to do just that. To this end, Trump has retained the services of a mystic gypsy woman to cast spells on the Biden campaign, The nature of these spells is not known but the Trump campaign has been spending their money on a lot of weird things like eye of newt, toe of frog, and penis of orangutan. The only comment Trump has made about her is that he wishes she were "hotter."

"You have to understand, the President can't lose this election, his ego will shatter." said Bo Muck, a Trump campaign staffer. "The President can't handle losing because if he loses then he's a loser. He'd rather see the country burn down than lose this election and he's willing to do just that to win."

Trump's delicate ego notwithstanding, he is losing but he's also cheating as fast as he can so who knows how this madness is going to end. Someone will be inaugurated on Jan 20, 2021 and we may not truly know who it is until then.

NEW SPONSOR -- FREDONIA BOARD OF TOURISM

Are you tired of taking expensive vacations to exotic destinations located halfway around the world? Ate you sick of all the hassle involved with documentation, passports, currency exchange, language barriers, and clashes of culture?

You don't need to go wreck diving in Micronesia, tour the pyramids at Giza, or scale Kilimanjaro to have a memorable vacation. All you need is to come visit beautiful Fredonia NY!

We even have a gazebo! Everybody loves a gazebo!

Fredonia offers small town charm with big city aspirations. Come see a movie in our theater,  drive down our road, stop in at any one of our many bars and get a much needed drink. This is also home to Fredonia State University where you can come cheer on the FSU Blue Devils then go out for more drinks at one of the many bars we mentioned earlier. There's lots of trees that turn pretty colors in the Fall and if you're feeling the lure of the beach, we have the sparkling blue waters of spectacular Lake Erie within easy driving distance overlooking the serene remains of the Niagara Mohawk Power Plant.

We also have buildings where people work and homes where they live at the end of the day. There's a few doctors available if you're feeling ill and a couple of funeral parlors if things take a turn for the worse.

So forget taking that 20-hour flight to New Zealand -- planes crash all the time -- and take a nice safe 3-hour flight to magnificent Fredonia, NY and bask in the quiet charms of this lovely Western NY hamlet.

TRUMP UNSURE WHO TO BLAME FOR LOW POLL NUMBERS

President Trump isn't doing so well at the moment.

The soon to be ex-president is racking his "brain" in an attempt to find someone to blame for how badly he's doing in the polls. According to every poll taken, Trump is losing by a wide margin to his Dem rival, Joe Biden. A man Trump describes as slow and boring.

President Trump making a boom-boom during
a speech about absolutely nothing.

Trump can't understand how this is possible. He knows it's not anything he's done, his performance as president has been exemplary so it has to be the fault of someone else, someone secretly working against him. Trump is determined to weed out this conspirator and make an example of  him or her in a public firing event that he plans on airing live on Fox News with color commentary by Sean Hannity and Judge Jeanine Pirro in a 25,000 seat arena.

"Whoever's behind this is a loser!" said Trump during a live phonecall that was broadcast on Fox & Friends last week. "I hate losers because I'm a winner. Winners hate losers. When I find this person, I'm gonna have my amazing military people execute him for treason. Trying to screw with my re-election is treason!" Trump ranted angrily during the call. "As president, I can execute anyone I want!" he added. "I don't even need a reason." 

Things look grim now but Trump is certain once he finds and fires the individual responsible that he'll be back to winning bigly just like he always does. "Once we find the little sh-t responsible for these poll numbers I'll be back on top where I belong!"

Someone on staff has yet to explain to Trump that he can't actually execute people.

THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAIT

So we can all remember Trump's time as the President of the United States.

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU WON'T

President Donald Trump has made a brilliant discovery that, once applied, will reduce the number of confirmed coronavirus cases down to a trickle.  This is great news in light of the current surge that has brought much of the reopening efforts to a halt in the wake of all the new cases that have been identified since these premature reopening efforts were begun...prematurely.

Trump has determined that the spike in new cases is the result of too much testing, a simple and obvious fact that none of the medical professionals on Trump's advisory staff managed to see. Basically, his logic works like this -- if we don't test so much, we won't confirm so many new cases and that will bring our number of confirmed cases way down and he'll look better going into re-election.

Is this the face of genius? Let's hope not.

"It was a brilliant realization. How did we miss it?" said Sen. (R) Louie Gohmert. "The man makes me proud to deny reality." Sen. (R) Lindsey Graham added. The implications for this reach far beyond the COVID-19 problem, it could be applied to any situation that we don't like and want to deny: foreign policy, taxation police brutality -- it works with anything to make it look better.  "If you ignore it, it can't hurt you." Vice President Mike Pence said, summarizing the President's plan. "Serving this genius President has been the honor of my life. I almost wish he had kidney disease so I could donate a kidney to him."

Trump's support base were quick to give their marmalade messiah the credit they felt he deserved. "He's the most smartest man who's ever lived!" one supporter enthused. "I wish I was a woman so I could have his baby!" 

Everyone is eagerly anticipating much lower numbers to soon follow as Trump's plan of 'if we ignore it, it'll go away' is implemented.

TRUMP RALLY ATTENDED BY THOUSANDS OF EMPTY SEATS

This past Saturday night, the marmalade colored monkey held his hotly anticipated return to form as the centerpiece of the ego feeding frenzy known as the Trump rally where he stands center stage grinning like a gargoyle while thousands of undiagnosed mental defectives cheer him on.

This was to be Trump's night -- a display of his popularity unaffected by the COVID pandemic. Trump and his toadies boasted up to 1M people had inquired about tix to the event and they anticipated a sell-out crowd inside the venue with a secondary sell-out crowd in the overflow seating area as well.

Then reality kicked Trump in the nads.

Every empty seat was mocking Trump, belittling his
manhood and calling him a loser.

With a total turnout of a mere 6200 out of a possible 20,000, the message was clear: We still love you, Lord and Master Donald  but we're not getting sick just to hear your self-serving message and lame attempts at making a joke.

I don't believe for one moment that Trump has lost that much support, something else was in play that discouraged attendance beyond even the thousands of TikTok teens that punk'd Trump's campaign staff with thousands of fake ticket requests -- I've never been more proud of America's youth.

In the end, I believe it was the virus that kept the Trumpanzees in their homes. So don't get too complacent by the spectacular failure that was the Trump rally in Tulsa. Hysterical though that was, we can't stop  fighting against this insect til he's truly squashed in November.

THE TEFLON DON--ALD

Even amidst Trump's epic mishandling of the COVID-19 outbreak which has led to soaring unemployment, an ever increasing death count and an economy in the tank his popularity is actually rising. As of yesterday -- Mon, May 18, 2020 -- he was polling at 49% approval -- a record high.

The President hard at work.

What explains this disconnect? How can someone be failing miserably at his job and find his approval rising? This increase means that 49% of people polled see the disaster Trump has wrought and responded to it with a hearty "Nice job, Mr. President!"

This not only makes no sense it's just ridiculous.

How does someone stink at their job and get rewarded for it? How does someone with no leadership skills in a leadership role succeed and even thrive there?

Imagine a doctor whose patients don't improve and even wither under his care and still people seek him out and recommend him to all their friends and family. Make sense? Hell, no and yet this is the inexplicable reality we have. To Trump's base of support he can do no wrong even when all he ever seems to do is wrong. To them he's the second coming of Jesus Christ and there is literally nothing he can do that would move them to abandon their support of their marmalade messiah.

Buy why?

What possible reason could explain the unwavering devotion and hero worship these people demonstrate for an empty suit like Donald Trump? Cranky wishes he had the answer. The cultish adoration these people have for this little tin god is a question for the ages.

Trump is the luckiest son-of-a-b*tch on the planet. He was born into wealth and despite having no discernable talent and being an objectively stupid and incurious man has managed to fail upward his whole life. He neither reads nor writes anything but the book that was ghostwritten for him becomes a bestseller for which he's credited, he has bankrupted multiple business but was made the host of a TV gameshow that portrayed him as a keen businessman with the Midas touch -- a total fabrication that he later parlayed into the Presidency. On a level playing field without all the lucky breaks he's enjoyed Trump would've struggled to achieve a career as a night manager at the Circle-K.

If there's such a thing as having been born under a lucky star, Trump was. He's proof that it's far better to be lucky than smart...or talented...or a decent human being.

OBAMAGATE!

It's not a thing.