Capt. Crankypants

TRUMP UNSURE WHO TO BLAME FOR LOW POLL NUMBERS

President Trump isn't doing so well at the moment.

The soon to be ex-president is racking his "brain" in an attempt to find someone to blame for how badly he's doing in the polls. According to every poll taken, Trump is losing by a wide margin to his Dem rival, Joe Biden. A man Trump describes as slow and boring.

President Trump making a boom-boom during
a speech about absolutely nothing.

Trump can't understand how this is possible. He knows it's not anything he's done, his performance as president has been exemplary so it has to be the fault of someone else, someone secretly working against him. Trump is determined to weed out this conspirator and make an example of  him or her in a public firing event that he plans on airing live on Fox News with color commentary by Sean Hannity and Judge Jeanine Pirro in a 25,000 seat arena.

"Whoever's behind this is a loser!" said Trump during a live phonecall that was broadcast on Fox & Friends last week. "I hate losers because I'm a winner. Winners hate losers. When I find this person, I'm gonna have my amazing military people execute him for treason. Trying to screw with my re-election is treason!" Trump ranted angrily during the call. "As president, I can execute anyone I want!" he added. "I don't even need a reason." 

Things look grim now but Trump is certain once he finds and fires the individual responsible that he'll be back to winning bigly just like he always does. "Once we find the little sh-t responsible for these poll numbers I'll be back on top where I belong!"

Someone on staff has yet to explain to Trump that he can't actually execute people.