THE TEFLON DON--ALD

Even amidst Trump's epic mishandling of the COVID-19 outbreak which has led to soaring unemployment, an ever increasing death count and an economy in the tank his popularity is actually rising. As of yesterday -- Mon, May 18, 2020 -- he was polling at 49% approval -- a record high.

The President hard at work.

What explains this disconnect? How can someone be failing miserably at his job and find his approval rising? This increase means that 49% of people polled see the disaster Trump has wrought and responded to it with a hearty "Nice job, Mr. President!"

This not only makes no sense it's just ridiculous.

How does someone stink at their job and get rewarded for it? How does someone with no leadership skills in a leadership role succeed and even thrive there?

Imagine a doctor whose patients don't improve and even wither under his care and still people seek him out and recommend him to all their friends and family. Make sense? Hell, no and yet this is the inexplicable reality we have. To Trump's base of support he can do no wrong even when all he ever seems to do is wrong. To them he's the second coming of Jesus Christ and there is literally nothing he can do that would move them to abandon their support of their marmalade messiah.

Buy why?

What possible reason could explain the unwavering devotion and hero worship these people demonstrate for an empty suit like Donald Trump? Cranky wishes he had the answer. The cultish adoration these people have for this little tin god is a question for the ages.

Trump is the luckiest son-of-a-b*tch on the planet. He was born into wealth and despite having no discernable talent and being an objectively stupid and incurious man has managed to fail upward his whole life. He neither reads nor writes anything but the book that was ghostwritten for him becomes a bestseller for which he's credited, he has bankrupted multiple business but was made the host of a TV gameshow that portrayed him as a keen businessman with the Midas touch -- a total fabrication that he later parlayed into the Presidency. On a level playing field without all the lucky breaks he's enjoyed Trump would've struggled to achieve a career as a night manager at the Circle-K.

If there's such a thing as having been born under a lucky star, Trump was. He's proof that it's far better to be lucky than smart...or talented...or a decent human being.

OBAMAGATE!

It's not a thing.

DONALD TRUMP WINS AT IMPEACHMENT

Preziduhhhnt Trump loves to proclaim himself a winner at all times. To hear him tell it, he wins at everything he does, always. Well. as of last night, he can add yet another win to his vast list of dubious accomplishments -- he won at getting himself impeached.

Winning BIGLY!

Congratulations, Donald, you did it! There's been lots of Presidents but only a few have managed to get themselves impeached. You now belong to that very exclusive club. Not only did you get yourself impeached but you won the vote by a landslide! How proud you must be! But this is no time for the Prez to rest on his laurels, there's many more victories yet to claim. There's still so many more lies to tell, so many more scandals to detonate, so much more corruption to commit and less than a year to get it all done.

But wait, isn't there a Senate trial to be had?

Yes, there is but Mitch McConnell has already confirmed his intention to run a kangaroo court once the articles are sent to the floor so here's what I'd like to see happen; Nancy Pelosi is refusing to commit to a time when she'll turn over the articles of impeachment to the Senate so I think she should hold onto them until after the 2020 election to see if two things happen:

 - To see if Trump is re-elected
 - To see if the Dems can take control of the Senate

If those two things happen, then send the articles to the floor for a trial. That way, the Dems can deny the Repubs their rigged trial where they will just rubberstamp an acquittal for Trump and they can also remove Trump shortly after he's re-elected and spare this nation any more of that maniac's psychotic leadership.

Since there's nothing that precludes the Dems from pursuing this strategy I think that's the plan we should go with. If that means that we then have to deal with a President Pence, well, I didn't say it was a perfect solution, just the best one we have.

THE ALMIGHTY ELECTION

Evangelical Republicans often claim that Donald Trump was chosen by diving providence to be the President. Outgoing Secretary of Energy, Rick Perry, said so again just this week. If this is true then that would mean that God has most likely had a hand in the selection of everyone who's ever been President.

God looking over the candidates and 

considering who He likes best.

Makes sense, don't it? If God is going to involve himself in America's politics and particularly who gets to sit in the Oval Office then whoever gets the job was GOD's preference. So why do the evangelicals only ever support God's choice for President when it's a Republican? When GOD chose Obama last time around, the evangelicals lost their shit. They clearly felt that God had failed in his selection that time but as soon as there was another Repub sitting there they once again felt free to proclaim God's wisdom even though the guy God had chosen was Donald Trump, a sociopathic gameshow host with the skin tone of a radioactive Cheetoh and a dead marmoset on his head.

This all seems very disingenuous and I'm calling shenanigans on the evangelicals. If God's picking the Presidents then he's picking ALL of them, even the ones you don't like. So if you find a far left Progressive Dem like Sanders or Warren sitting in the big chair after November of 2020, remember, that was GOD's choice.

Who are you to question the wisdom of GOD?

INDIANA JONES AND THE SEARCH FOR TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS

LucasFilm Ltd. has announced the start of production on their latest Indiana Jones adventure as the intrepid archeologist and heroic cinematic icon goes in search of his most elusive treasure yet, Donald Trump's tax returns.

Indiana Jones heroism versus 

Washington, DC corruption!

"Trump's tax returns are buried deeper than the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail so who's more qualified than Dr. Jones to find them?" asked the film's Executive Producer, George Lucas. "We were going to craft a story around a search for the toolbox of Joseph of Aramethea but this has so much more potential for action and adventure and is certainly more timely." he added.

The film will star Harrison Ford in the title role with Steven Spielberg sitting in the director's chair and is expected to be the final installment of the epic Indiana Jones saga.

"We're capping off the run of this franchise with Indy's most challenging quest yet. The stakes are high and Trump and his Republican cronies will be out to stop Indy any way they can, It's gonna be a nailbiter. Harrison is pumped to make the film and so am I." Spielberg enthused.

The film is expected to land in theaters around the same time as Trump starts his prison term for corruption and tax fraud.

REPUB HUB-BUB

The Republicans have their hands full in Congress trying to defend Donald Trump's actions relative to Ukraine. Now that the impeachment inquiry has gone public they're putting on their best show of indignation that them uppity Dems would make such a fuss about an inexcusable act of corruption they say never happened.

But they know it did which is why that rather than argue the substance of the allegations, they're screaming that it's uncalled for, and a farce, and, let's all say it together, a witch hunt. Except that it isn't so they have to defend him and to do that, they're going to have to put on a show, a piece of political theater called 'Stand By Your Man.' To this end they've cast all their best people in all their best roles.

- Rep. Jim Jordan plays the role of Angry Man, outraged that this sham is being allowed to happen. He yells a lot and demands the whistleblower be dragged into the spotlight. Nobody does loud and angry better than JJ so watch him as he turns his wrath all the way to eleven.

Angry Man doing his angry thing.

- Rep. Lindsey Graham plays the role of Indignant Man. incensed that the Dems would try to remove the President just for doing his job. Outrageous!

Graham being all indignant.

- Rep. Devin Nunes plays the role of Reader of the Facts. He presents the "facts" of the case in a measured voice that he hopes will convince viewers that what he's saying isn't total bullshit.

Nunes doing the measured thing

The remainder of the roles will be filled by various Republicans all proclaiming Trump's innocence and denying that he did anything wrong. The hope is that if they yell loud enough, deny hard enough, distract effectively enough, and confuse the issue, they can keep enough public support on their side to acquit without having to be held accountable.

It seems they want to go down in history as corrupt and spineless.

Go figure.

WEALTH SHAMING

Democrat late-comer to the 2020 race for the nomination for President, former NYC Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has been publicly taunting President Trump with the size of his fortune, boasting that he makes more on the interest on his vast wealth alone than Trump's entire fortune. Bloomberg, whose wealth is in excess of $50B is vastly richer than Trump and sees that as a way to get under the President's incredibly thin skin.

It seems to be working too. Bloomberg's claims have clearly rankled the President who's very touchy about being viewed as anything less than a multi-billionaire. "Bloomberg has no idea what my worth is. I'm worth so much more than he knows. I have huge sums of money. Huge! So much money that even I'm not sure how much I have but it's way more than what he's thinking. I promise you that." Trump said in response.

Bloomberg in turn has suggested that they settle the issue by making their tax returns public, a suggestion that Trump immediately rejected. "Everyone knows my taxes are under audit and can't be released. but if they could be, you'd see how incredibly rich I am and there would be no question that my wealth is huge. It's so huge that you just won't believe it. You'll say, 'Wow, look how huge the President's wealth is. It's massive and huge. Like my penis'" he said.

Trump's penis not withstanding, his continued refusal to prove his true worth is a thread that can be pulled on to help unravel his re-election. Although it might be easier for Bloomberg to simply offer Trump $100M just to go the fuck away.

 He'd take it.